Lord,
I am growing concerned about T, and his disconnectedness. He hasn't even called once to connect with Kiley. I am concerned about him just calling at the last minute and "making plans." There needs to be some structure about this. I am tempted to call him and ask him to come down for dinner. But, get the feeling that he needs to "court" me and he needs to crawl out of his hole instead of me enabling him in a bad relationship.
I lift that up to You, since You are the fixer of all things broken. We are obviously broken. I hurt so bad in church today to watch "families" connected and worshiping together. And I confess my jealousy that I don't have that, and then I catch myself wanting to "make it happen" but clearly you gave me "unless the Lord builds the house, they build in vain." and that sets me down. It still hurts, it wasn't supposed to be this way. I want to make it be ok, and it is not. And any attempt I try, will be futile, empty and another dead end. Once again, I ask You, who are the fixer of all things broken, to please fix me, and this.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thanksgiving
To be thankful in the things that I am not:
Thank you that I sit here with such a heaviness of depression at what I have done to my family by making my bipolar husband move out after 7 years of abuse, and then he subsequently lost his job. And thank you for the absolute helplessness and emptiness I deal with when my 4 year old daughter is with him and he won't let her talk to me.
And Thank you that I have no idea how I am going to keep a roof over our heads as I go to school full time and have no job myself.
Thanks for the sleeplessness and the tears of fear.
Oh, and the shame that goes along with being a Christian and going through a divorce, because I chose Jesus' freedom.
Well, whether or not, getting to this place today has helped me to get out some fears and cry for a long time. And He, Oh most Most High has repeatedly pointed me to praise and trust Him. I confess that has been one of the hardest things to do as I am here today. I did, (super Praise) get some confirmation in the mail today of what I will be receiving for help. I am thankful. Yet, still anxious, there are big gaps. But, still he gives me peace. Until, my baby comes back from a short visit with her dad and says, "can I just stay with you for a long long time?" Rips my heart OUT OF MY CHEST. This is NOT how it was supposed to be.
Then, on top, my car won't start. And last night it was putting out this horrible smell like rubber burning. The mechanic says its the air compressor locked up. Great. So, I am just trying to be thankful. And pray. And do homework. I got through Math, with a C, but it wasn't and F!!!! Praise! So, now it's Pharmacology. The kids have the Christmas stuff out, it's weird, and I'm battleing depression because I don't know if I'll have any money to get them anything. I know it's not about stuff. It's totally about Jesus entrance into our fallen state to redeem us. We are so pathetic, we have even taken such a miracle and just demoralized it.
Thank you that I sit here with such a heaviness of depression at what I have done to my family by making my bipolar husband move out after 7 years of abuse, and then he subsequently lost his job. And thank you for the absolute helplessness and emptiness I deal with when my 4 year old daughter is with him and he won't let her talk to me.
And Thank you that I have no idea how I am going to keep a roof over our heads as I go to school full time and have no job myself.
Thanks for the sleeplessness and the tears of fear.
Oh, and the shame that goes along with being a Christian and going through a divorce, because I chose Jesus' freedom.
Well, whether or not, getting to this place today has helped me to get out some fears and cry for a long time. And He, Oh most Most High has repeatedly pointed me to praise and trust Him. I confess that has been one of the hardest things to do as I am here today. I did, (super Praise) get some confirmation in the mail today of what I will be receiving for help. I am thankful. Yet, still anxious, there are big gaps. But, still he gives me peace. Until, my baby comes back from a short visit with her dad and says, "can I just stay with you for a long long time?" Rips my heart OUT OF MY CHEST. This is NOT how it was supposed to be.
Then, on top, my car won't start. And last night it was putting out this horrible smell like rubber burning. The mechanic says its the air compressor locked up. Great. So, I am just trying to be thankful. And pray. And do homework. I got through Math, with a C, but it wasn't and F!!!! Praise! So, now it's Pharmacology. The kids have the Christmas stuff out, it's weird, and I'm battleing depression because I don't know if I'll have any money to get them anything. I know it's not about stuff. It's totally about Jesus entrance into our fallen state to redeem us. We are so pathetic, we have even taken such a miracle and just demoralized it.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Big "D"
Seven years ago, I was hectically planning a very simple wedding. My stomach was churning, I was painfully thin, because that is what I do to achieve the acceptance from men. My children were two years out from their house explosion, I was getting ready to enter into a covenant with a man I barely knew. Over the next seven years, I would get to know, experience, and become a person I barely recognized. It all started out somewhat normal, but you have to know me, I don't know normal. I know chaos, abuse, upheaval, and wanderlust. I know Jesus, and He was a big part of my life and my children's lives. And that too has evolved.
I have come to understand that I am married to a man that has bi-polar/depression. And looking over the past, It's clear as a bell, but coming through all the storms, I could barely lift my head. And, I two weeks ago presented my husband with a problem. I want to end our marriage legally. We have been to multiple counselor, pastors, etc. I have attempted to walk the "road of rules" of the church. I have failed miserably. But one of the most amazing truths I have gained in all this especially lately is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit Love me. They/He Loves me. So much more than I could even dream of loving my kids, and I think I love them. He loves me, and wants me, oh what did Angie write, No Longer Captives! I am Free. This marriage has been a form of captivity, slavery, and bondage. There has been very little kindness, especially from the bipolar experience. It can be very draining. No, literally sucking the life right out of you. I have tried to have compassion and gentleness, but when there is a proverbial gun barrel pointed straight at you, because you must be the fault of the problems, like, if I had just bought the right Coke, or Miracle whip, or tuna, then maybe I wouldn't have caused him to throw the plate clear across the room almost hitting me. Or if Kenton had just listened then it wouldn't have caused him to draw his fist back and threaten to punch him, or throw the remote at him. Or if the employees had just listened the FIRST time, then he wouldn't be so frustrated having to explain again to these morons how to do something. I had just paid the bills the way he told me, even though he was not looking at the check book, then we wouldn't have lost the business. If I just loved him the way a good Christian wife is supposed to love her husband, then we wouldn't be in this boat. If I had . . . all day long.
Well, even if I had, if would have still not been enough.
I am getting up shaking off the grave clothes and rising, because I am ransomed. Paid with the pure blood of Christ. I was found guilty, but He paid my debt. I am no longer a captive.
I believe He wants me to help other women get up and be free.
I want to share what He is doing in my life. I am a stay at home mom of 4 kids, one is married and off, two teens, 16 and 14 and an adorable 4 year old. I have not had income in @ 5 years. I had made the choice to stay home and sacrifice. It was worth it. Now its time for me to get moving in the working world, I believe ???? I decided in February to go back to Collage, In January I rededicated my life to Jesus, and it's been moving ever since :)
So, two weeks ago Saturday, I dropped my decision in his lap, he flipped out, called Pastor Todd for another "trial" of which I was found born again and forgiven, and maybe just maybe not at fault hmmmmm
Thursday morning he left me a note telling me that he will not be depositing his check into the account . . . leaving me high and dry. I have been budgeting and paying all the bills, and balancing the check book. So, his attempt to take control of money. He wrote he would leave me some cash.
So, I was talking with my friend Thomas the "Theologian" (haha) and we prayed that I would seek His peace, and LET IT GO. Harboring no bitterness toward T, because My Lord has me in the palm of His hand and will provide. I agreed. Several hours later, I received a phone call from a Dr. Office I had faxed my resume to, and she did a phone interview. They are desperate and need someone. I just won't be using any Phlebotomy and stuff. But I would be the surgeons scribe. during exams. How exciting is that! Good thing I love medical terminology. I need to brush up and study Ophthalmology terminology. So I am to call her Monday afternoon to discuss pros and cons. I will need to move school to nights :( But, I want to stay committed to finish.
Amazing!
Then I called my sister/friend Mary Kay to patch things up with us. It was beyond words. Priceless. I so miss her.
Also, several weeks ago, I was asking the Lord so please send me some good friends. He has sent me Kenny. We are just friends. He lost his wife in June. They were on a motorcycle, wrecked, she died :( he was seriously injured, broken pelvis, lacerated head. Their daughter Ashley is Katies best friend. So, she has dumped alot over there with their family about us, and Kenny, the week after I prayed for friends, randomly comes over to me and offers his friendship and tells me that Kt told them about us. So, I am taking him up on it. I will confess, he has some great qualities, that I love :) And he is doing remarkable well considering all that has happened. I just love hanging out with him. I don't know maybe he is part of the grease to get me unstuck!
Thank you Jesus, I am no long a captive!
I have come to understand that I am married to a man that has bi-polar/depression. And looking over the past, It's clear as a bell, but coming through all the storms, I could barely lift my head. And, I two weeks ago presented my husband with a problem. I want to end our marriage legally. We have been to multiple counselor, pastors, etc. I have attempted to walk the "road of rules" of the church. I have failed miserably. But one of the most amazing truths I have gained in all this especially lately is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit Love me. They/He Loves me. So much more than I could even dream of loving my kids, and I think I love them. He loves me, and wants me, oh what did Angie write, No Longer Captives! I am Free. This marriage has been a form of captivity, slavery, and bondage. There has been very little kindness, especially from the bipolar experience. It can be very draining. No, literally sucking the life right out of you. I have tried to have compassion and gentleness, but when there is a proverbial gun barrel pointed straight at you, because you must be the fault of the problems, like, if I had just bought the right Coke, or Miracle whip, or tuna, then maybe I wouldn't have caused him to throw the plate clear across the room almost hitting me. Or if Kenton had just listened then it wouldn't have caused him to draw his fist back and threaten to punch him, or throw the remote at him. Or if the employees had just listened the FIRST time, then he wouldn't be so frustrated having to explain again to these morons how to do something. I had just paid the bills the way he told me, even though he was not looking at the check book, then we wouldn't have lost the business. If I just loved him the way a good Christian wife is supposed to love her husband, then we wouldn't be in this boat. If I had . . . all day long.
Well, even if I had, if would have still not been enough.
I am getting up shaking off the grave clothes and rising, because I am ransomed. Paid with the pure blood of Christ. I was found guilty, but He paid my debt. I am no longer a captive.
I believe He wants me to help other women get up and be free.
I want to share what He is doing in my life. I am a stay at home mom of 4 kids, one is married and off, two teens, 16 and 14 and an adorable 4 year old. I have not had income in @ 5 years. I had made the choice to stay home and sacrifice. It was worth it. Now its time for me to get moving in the working world, I believe ???? I decided in February to go back to Collage, In January I rededicated my life to Jesus, and it's been moving ever since :)
So, two weeks ago Saturday, I dropped my decision in his lap, he flipped out, called Pastor Todd for another "trial" of which I was found born again and forgiven, and maybe just maybe not at fault hmmmmm
Thursday morning he left me a note telling me that he will not be depositing his check into the account . . . leaving me high and dry. I have been budgeting and paying all the bills, and balancing the check book. So, his attempt to take control of money. He wrote he would leave me some cash.
So, I was talking with my friend Thomas the "Theologian" (haha) and we prayed that I would seek His peace, and LET IT GO. Harboring no bitterness toward T, because My Lord has me in the palm of His hand and will provide. I agreed. Several hours later, I received a phone call from a Dr. Office I had faxed my resume to, and she did a phone interview. They are desperate and need someone. I just won't be using any Phlebotomy and stuff. But I would be the surgeons scribe. during exams. How exciting is that! Good thing I love medical terminology. I need to brush up and study Ophthalmology terminology. So I am to call her Monday afternoon to discuss pros and cons. I will need to move school to nights :( But, I want to stay committed to finish.
Amazing!
Then I called my sister/friend Mary Kay to patch things up with us. It was beyond words. Priceless. I so miss her.
Also, several weeks ago, I was asking the Lord so please send me some good friends. He has sent me Kenny. We are just friends. He lost his wife in June. They were on a motorcycle, wrecked, she died :( he was seriously injured, broken pelvis, lacerated head. Their daughter Ashley is Katies best friend. So, she has dumped alot over there with their family about us, and Kenny, the week after I prayed for friends, randomly comes over to me and offers his friendship and tells me that Kt told them about us. So, I am taking him up on it. I will confess, he has some great qualities, that I love :) And he is doing remarkable well considering all that has happened. I just love hanging out with him. I don't know maybe he is part of the grease to get me unstuck!
Thank you Jesus, I am no long a captive!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I am just saying "Hi" ~ I am good. I got to attend the Beth Moore simulcast Fri night and Sat morning ~ Wow! I had some powerful truth delivered, and I received it! I shared some with T and let him into a deep wound of mine, that since he has known me, he has even made worse. I don't trust a lot of men for the same reason. So I finally let him in to see and even though his reaction was flat, I am free of the shame and guilt and bondage. I feel the freedom!!! I wanted to jump and dance all day!
One of the most powerful truths regarding shame and on my quest for freedom, was "you know the dirt satan likes to throw in your face, and it keeps you in shame, well God pours His spirit all over it and makes it 'good soil,' for the planting of good seed/God's word! And then that seed planted in good soil, can root, and grow and harvest 100 fold!!!!!! I place my hand over my heart and claim that word for myself!
I mean can we say WOW!!!
By the way she taught on Luke 8:1-15, the parable of the sower. I am so blessed I got to go!
We then after church went to my little bro's daughters bday party. Ki swam and played and ate, and she even jumped off the diving board!!!! She is so brave!
There are a few prayers I want to extend ~
For Steve and his family/ Nome :( I am broken hearted for you;
Also, there were two boys from our community involved in an early morning crash Sunday, and one had to be Careflighted. I heard one broke his nose, and will be ok, and the other had multiple fractures in one of his legs, one was a compound (sticking through the skin) break, his femur, and he broke both the fibula and tibia in his lower leg, there are rumors that something might have to be amputated. Unfortunately the boys were under the influence, and hit a telephone pole. :( I pray for them and their families.
I also pray for the boldness to really ask the question to most of my family, if they have ever received Jesus as their savior? They are as lost as could be. I got to share with my birth mother (yes, I was adopted) last night (we talk and are extremely close) that while she still has trouble with "giving me up," I know that the Lord has given me confirmation that there is much purpose in it, because I know that we "choose" Jesus for ourselves, but there is also an inherited desire, and I LOVE Jesus, but quite of bit of my adopted family, particularly my fathers side has NO spiritual heritage. I totally believe I was placed in this family to represent Jesus. They have watched me with the horrendous ditch I've been in and watched HIM get me out! It's all HIM, and I am not afraid to share that with them. But, it hasn't been so easy to approach them about their own salvation. I think this is my next move. Only with His leading. Because He knows they look at me like a hypocrite. Oops sounds like more bondage of shame I'm about to have turned into good soil!
Be Blessed.
k
One of the most powerful truths regarding shame and on my quest for freedom, was "you know the dirt satan likes to throw in your face, and it keeps you in shame, well God pours His spirit all over it and makes it 'good soil,' for the planting of good seed/God's word! And then that seed planted in good soil, can root, and grow and harvest 100 fold!!!!!! I place my hand over my heart and claim that word for myself!
I mean can we say WOW!!!
By the way she taught on Luke 8:1-15, the parable of the sower. I am so blessed I got to go!
We then after church went to my little bro's daughters bday party. Ki swam and played and ate, and she even jumped off the diving board!!!! She is so brave!
There are a few prayers I want to extend ~
For Steve and his family/ Nome :( I am broken hearted for you;
Also, there were two boys from our community involved in an early morning crash Sunday, and one had to be Careflighted. I heard one broke his nose, and will be ok, and the other had multiple fractures in one of his legs, one was a compound (sticking through the skin) break, his femur, and he broke both the fibula and tibia in his lower leg, there are rumors that something might have to be amputated. Unfortunately the boys were under the influence, and hit a telephone pole. :( I pray for them and their families.
I also pray for the boldness to really ask the question to most of my family, if they have ever received Jesus as their savior? They are as lost as could be. I got to share with my birth mother (yes, I was adopted) last night (we talk and are extremely close) that while she still has trouble with "giving me up," I know that the Lord has given me confirmation that there is much purpose in it, because I know that we "choose" Jesus for ourselves, but there is also an inherited desire, and I LOVE Jesus, but quite of bit of my adopted family, particularly my fathers side has NO spiritual heritage. I totally believe I was placed in this family to represent Jesus. They have watched me with the horrendous ditch I've been in and watched HIM get me out! It's all HIM, and I am not afraid to share that with them. But, it hasn't been so easy to approach them about their own salvation. I think this is my next move. Only with His leading. Because He knows they look at me like a hypocrite. Oops sounds like more bondage of shame I'm about to have turned into good soil!
Be Blessed.
k
Saturday, June 21, 2008
He finds Beauty in this broken thing :)
June 21, 2008
I want to sit and write for a few mins and put down on paper how I feel and what the amazing Lord of my life has been doing . . .
First my dog, Grace. Last week during a very un"comfortable" time, where I was not feeling especially at ease with Troy or life together with him. she never left my side. She was a pseudo of God's presence, and it really helped me to remember that. He never leaves my side, or my heart, or I never leave His presence. That was awesome.
This song by Point of Grace, Heal the Wound but leave the scar. Freaking awesome. I have not ever really considered TRUTHFULLY being a minister with scars, I just really believe that that was more of a figment of speech than a true state of being. so, I am laying it all out there and considering what wounds I have, if they are healed or need healing and the scars, or really shame, I have tried so hard to cover up to make it appear I am "better". What are my scars??? What areas, has He worked in my life to heal and be strong when I am weak? And He continues to minister there?? And not hiding them, but realizing He wants them out and available to continue to use them.
Cause I'm not. I am not better, I still struggle with heartache from my past. The wonderful Lord has given me these amazing gifts of helping and caring and nurturing, and I have let the enemy of my soul trick my into perverting them and become codependent with them. My True Father tells me that satan, he is the father of all lies and will take what is pure and true and pervert it, what is meant to be straight, he will pervert and twist. My relationship with Troy is the twisted version of the help and caring gift He gave me.
I just heard another song by Point of Grace ~ Broken Thing. He finds beauty in this broken thing! That is the best news I have heard all day!!!! And it's only 8:30 in the morning!!!
I don't think I have ever heard that out of Troy's mouth about himself and how God sees him or toward any of us, about how God sees us, maybe never. I am going to be praying much for him. He is on meds for Bi-Polar, and the doc says that his levels are where they need to be, but he is still acting like a pissed off 10 year old. I think he needs a counselor more than anything. And still at going on 7 years since we have been married. He won't, or even if he "attempts" he falls out.
I am very clearly understanding that I am to keep my mouth shut. All conversations with him turn toward how I am at fault and I am mistreating him. I will own my stuff. I can't stand him and it's terribly hard to be around him, because of his past behavior and it's unchanged. It would be different, it he would be repentant and aware of how damaging his own behavior has been and sick about it and run from it, and if he were trying to seek Jesus and healing, but I know am beginning to understand I have been drawn to "familiar spirits" as Steve puts is, and then it replicates places where I was when I was young. Did I take vows when I was young to uphold when I was in places of authority????? Jesus please reveal, Help me to renounce and slay them by the power and authority of Your Name Jesus.
If he would seek out help and wisdom, but he sits and watches tv and accuses me of all of my faults and does not even acknowledge what Jesus has done in his own life, but demands other believe what he tells them and not challenge him on his knowledge.
Sick.
I went to see Steve yesterday, and the whispers of the Lord are coming up,
"No more circling this mountain, it's time to head north",
"come be free",
"yes, God may hate divorce, but He hates the bondage our souls get into in the dysfunctional relationships"
And I keep falling back in out of fear. I WANT FREE. I WANT FREEDOM IN CHRIST. HE IS DRAWING ME TOWARD FREEDOM AND I WANT TO GO.
I went to Steve, cause I believe that is who has been appointed to help/coach/via Christ guide me to the other side of the Jordan. Cause, something is broken in me that causes me to keep falling back in. And from what it sounds like is my repeated "familiar" choices. Familiar DOES NOT MEAN HEALTHY. Actually, the familiar, even though it may appear to look good at times, IS NOT GOOD. NO GOOD FOUNDATION. Simply because of the fruit it produces. ROTTEN. UNSTABLE. Not from God. So, I am working on killing this dragon. The familiar dragon. It produces fear in me, and what have I thought or said in my heart and vowed to revenge????? Jesus, You know, Please reveal it, so I can renounce it. I know it's in Your Perfect timing. I have an amazing peace at this time. I praise You cause this stupid lamb is freaky deaky and quick to run back to Egypt. But I TRUST YOU JESUS!!!!! And It AMAZES ME YOU FIND BEAUTY IN THIS BROKEN THING!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!! Even as many times as I have FALLEN ON MY FACE AND STEPPED ALL OVER YOU You still chose me. I am no worthy of You, and yet You are a servant to me. That messes me up ~
Lord, I am praying about the Attorneys he gave me to contact. I know that this situation will not resolve, and I need to prepare and protect my kids. I ask for your wisdom on which one or if there is another one, You want me to pair up with to find out my legal rights, my responsibilities, what I need to do to prepare for the big change. One huge fear is dragging Kiley through a nasty divorce and torturing her though the verbal shi* from him. I pray you would shut his spirit of self pity down. But, keep me focused, and not falling into the trap. Keep me focused on Your freedom, not staying in bondage, cause this is a slippery mountain to get off of.
Also, about Joel. Lord, I don't want to go storming back into his life and screw things up for him, but I need to convey a heartfelt apology and state of repentance. He was an amazing guy, he was always there for me, he poured himself out to me. And I crapped on him. It turns my heart upside down when I think about how I carelessly just dropped him like a hot potato, when he had poured so much out and held on for so long, if that's the truth. Never-the less, I was terribly in the wrong, and I was acting out of my pathetic brokenness that I believe I was not worthy of one that could truly love me. Yet, here I am seven years later, and still attached to him. Whether he knows it or not. I believe You have a plan there, and I don't want to get caught up in a mental affair, or am I already? I ask for Your wisdom in this situation, to help me do what I need to do.
Today, I need to type my paper. And fill in the Quiz review. I have just pooky bear and we need some one-on-one today. It's been super crazy with everyone here, so some down times is lovely!
Jesus, I love You and am so Blessed that You chose me!
I pray for my kids that they would seek YOU.
I pray for my family that they would seek YOU
I pray for Jill. She is running, and we especially her kids are getting very concerned about what it's going to take to get her to see . . . they are scared she will get killed in an accident by her drinking and driving. I pray Jesus, she would get thrown in jail for drinking and driving, NOT by an accident. I pray that she would proclaim You as her savior, and YOU would break the legs of the wandering lamb as to carry her around Your neck so she gets to know your smell and voice and character. Please put an end to her "partying". I know You broke my legs.
I Pray for Brit watching her mother walk this way is making her a better woman, but You know there is ultimately a better way to teach these lessons. and watching her father just be an immature brat, is enough to make me want to puke.
I pray for Shane watching all of this, and getting mad. and not know ing what to do with it all
I pray for Audrey Blundell. Jesus, comfort, heal and bless her ~
I pray for Melanie and her melanoma. Jesus forgive me for the twisted thoughts I think. I don't want my sister to suffer or be scared or slip down the mountain of fear. I pray for complete healing and bless her. Help her to stop gossiping. It makes people feel unsafe around her.
I pray for Troy. He is in a far land, even though he thinks he is not. His perception of You is off and twisted, his perception of himself is twisted. I pray you would meet up with him, and do a HOLY MIRACLE. Please forgive me of the twisted thoughts I think about him. Yes, he has severely damaged me, and all of it belongs on the cross. I am to keep my eye on YOU JESUS. But, I am unsure where my "safe place" is with him so I just shut down. I need your wisdom here please.
I pray for myself, to be the Believer in You, daughter (of You), woman, mother, and wife (even if it's dead) You have called me to be. I know I am called to "be real" and I know that makes people uncomfortable, because they hide in their secret places. But, when I am to be real, Please let them see YOU. I pray for healing in my body, my mind, and my heart. I pray that my will would continue to be changed to You will. I pray that I would surrender to You, and even if that strikes fear in my worldly heart, You are Good, better than I am to myself. You know best for me, my pride needs to be gone. You created the universe and all in it, why would I think I know me better than I know myself. I barely know me. You see ALL of me, and I hand over the keys to me and my heart, and I know that You will not leave me, but You will carry/guide me to the better place for me to be. And I pray that my twisted thinking that it's uncomfortable, will be replaced with I LOVE IT AND I'M STAYING. Any new robe needs to be worn before it's comfy. Your load is easy and light. I am choosing You. Help me to choose You everyday. I ask for Your true and awesome tending and guiding and wisdom, that supersedes any goofy thought I came up with. You Rock, and are MY Rock!
Psalm 25
Psalm 71 20:21
You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,
Shall revive me again,
And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
You shall increase my greatness,
And comfort me on every side.
Praise HIM :)
I want to sit and write for a few mins and put down on paper how I feel and what the amazing Lord of my life has been doing . . .
First my dog, Grace. Last week during a very un"comfortable" time, where I was not feeling especially at ease with Troy or life together with him. she never left my side. She was a pseudo of God's presence, and it really helped me to remember that. He never leaves my side, or my heart, or I never leave His presence. That was awesome.
This song by Point of Grace, Heal the Wound but leave the scar. Freaking awesome. I have not ever really considered TRUTHFULLY being a minister with scars, I just really believe that that was more of a figment of speech than a true state of being. so, I am laying it all out there and considering what wounds I have, if they are healed or need healing and the scars, or really shame, I have tried so hard to cover up to make it appear I am "better". What are my scars??? What areas, has He worked in my life to heal and be strong when I am weak? And He continues to minister there?? And not hiding them, but realizing He wants them out and available to continue to use them.
Cause I'm not. I am not better, I still struggle with heartache from my past. The wonderful Lord has given me these amazing gifts of helping and caring and nurturing, and I have let the enemy of my soul trick my into perverting them and become codependent with them. My True Father tells me that satan, he is the father of all lies and will take what is pure and true and pervert it, what is meant to be straight, he will pervert and twist. My relationship with Troy is the twisted version of the help and caring gift He gave me.
I just heard another song by Point of Grace ~ Broken Thing. He finds beauty in this broken thing! That is the best news I have heard all day!!!! And it's only 8:30 in the morning!!!
I don't think I have ever heard that out of Troy's mouth about himself and how God sees him or toward any of us, about how God sees us, maybe never. I am going to be praying much for him. He is on meds for Bi-Polar, and the doc says that his levels are where they need to be, but he is still acting like a pissed off 10 year old. I think he needs a counselor more than anything. And still at going on 7 years since we have been married. He won't, or even if he "attempts" he falls out.
I am very clearly understanding that I am to keep my mouth shut. All conversations with him turn toward how I am at fault and I am mistreating him. I will own my stuff. I can't stand him and it's terribly hard to be around him, because of his past behavior and it's unchanged. It would be different, it he would be repentant and aware of how damaging his own behavior has been and sick about it and run from it, and if he were trying to seek Jesus and healing, but I know am beginning to understand I have been drawn to "familiar spirits" as Steve puts is, and then it replicates places where I was when I was young. Did I take vows when I was young to uphold when I was in places of authority????? Jesus please reveal, Help me to renounce and slay them by the power and authority of Your Name Jesus.
If he would seek out help and wisdom, but he sits and watches tv and accuses me of all of my faults and does not even acknowledge what Jesus has done in his own life, but demands other believe what he tells them and not challenge him on his knowledge.
Sick.
I went to see Steve yesterday, and the whispers of the Lord are coming up,
"No more circling this mountain, it's time to head north",
"come be free",
"yes, God may hate divorce, but He hates the bondage our souls get into in the dysfunctional relationships"
And I keep falling back in out of fear. I WANT FREE. I WANT FREEDOM IN CHRIST. HE IS DRAWING ME TOWARD FREEDOM AND I WANT TO GO.
I went to Steve, cause I believe that is who has been appointed to help/coach/via Christ guide me to the other side of the Jordan. Cause, something is broken in me that causes me to keep falling back in. And from what it sounds like is my repeated "familiar" choices. Familiar DOES NOT MEAN HEALTHY. Actually, the familiar, even though it may appear to look good at times, IS NOT GOOD. NO GOOD FOUNDATION. Simply because of the fruit it produces. ROTTEN. UNSTABLE. Not from God. So, I am working on killing this dragon. The familiar dragon. It produces fear in me, and what have I thought or said in my heart and vowed to revenge????? Jesus, You know, Please reveal it, so I can renounce it. I know it's in Your Perfect timing. I have an amazing peace at this time. I praise You cause this stupid lamb is freaky deaky and quick to run back to Egypt. But I TRUST YOU JESUS!!!!! And It AMAZES ME YOU FIND BEAUTY IN THIS BROKEN THING!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!! Even as many times as I have FALLEN ON MY FACE AND STEPPED ALL OVER YOU You still chose me. I am no worthy of You, and yet You are a servant to me. That messes me up ~
Lord, I am praying about the Attorneys he gave me to contact. I know that this situation will not resolve, and I need to prepare and protect my kids. I ask for your wisdom on which one or if there is another one, You want me to pair up with to find out my legal rights, my responsibilities, what I need to do to prepare for the big change. One huge fear is dragging Kiley through a nasty divorce and torturing her though the verbal shi* from him. I pray you would shut his spirit of self pity down. But, keep me focused, and not falling into the trap. Keep me focused on Your freedom, not staying in bondage, cause this is a slippery mountain to get off of.
Also, about Joel. Lord, I don't want to go storming back into his life and screw things up for him, but I need to convey a heartfelt apology and state of repentance. He was an amazing guy, he was always there for me, he poured himself out to me. And I crapped on him. It turns my heart upside down when I think about how I carelessly just dropped him like a hot potato, when he had poured so much out and held on for so long, if that's the truth. Never-the less, I was terribly in the wrong, and I was acting out of my pathetic brokenness that I believe I was not worthy of one that could truly love me. Yet, here I am seven years later, and still attached to him. Whether he knows it or not. I believe You have a plan there, and I don't want to get caught up in a mental affair, or am I already? I ask for Your wisdom in this situation, to help me do what I need to do.
Today, I need to type my paper. And fill in the Quiz review. I have just pooky bear and we need some one-on-one today. It's been super crazy with everyone here, so some down times is lovely!
Jesus, I love You and am so Blessed that You chose me!
I pray for my kids that they would seek YOU.
I pray for my family that they would seek YOU
I pray for Jill. She is running, and we especially her kids are getting very concerned about what it's going to take to get her to see . . . they are scared she will get killed in an accident by her drinking and driving. I pray Jesus, she would get thrown in jail for drinking and driving, NOT by an accident. I pray that she would proclaim You as her savior, and YOU would break the legs of the wandering lamb as to carry her around Your neck so she gets to know your smell and voice and character. Please put an end to her "partying". I know You broke my legs.
I Pray for Brit watching her mother walk this way is making her a better woman, but You know there is ultimately a better way to teach these lessons. and watching her father just be an immature brat, is enough to make me want to puke.
I pray for Shane watching all of this, and getting mad. and not know ing what to do with it all
I pray for Audrey Blundell. Jesus, comfort, heal and bless her ~
I pray for Melanie and her melanoma. Jesus forgive me for the twisted thoughts I think. I don't want my sister to suffer or be scared or slip down the mountain of fear. I pray for complete healing and bless her. Help her to stop gossiping. It makes people feel unsafe around her.
I pray for Troy. He is in a far land, even though he thinks he is not. His perception of You is off and twisted, his perception of himself is twisted. I pray you would meet up with him, and do a HOLY MIRACLE. Please forgive me of the twisted thoughts I think about him. Yes, he has severely damaged me, and all of it belongs on the cross. I am to keep my eye on YOU JESUS. But, I am unsure where my "safe place" is with him so I just shut down. I need your wisdom here please.
I pray for myself, to be the Believer in You, daughter (of You), woman, mother, and wife (even if it's dead) You have called me to be. I know I am called to "be real" and I know that makes people uncomfortable, because they hide in their secret places. But, when I am to be real, Please let them see YOU. I pray for healing in my body, my mind, and my heart. I pray that my will would continue to be changed to You will. I pray that I would surrender to You, and even if that strikes fear in my worldly heart, You are Good, better than I am to myself. You know best for me, my pride needs to be gone. You created the universe and all in it, why would I think I know me better than I know myself. I barely know me. You see ALL of me, and I hand over the keys to me and my heart, and I know that You will not leave me, but You will carry/guide me to the better place for me to be. And I pray that my twisted thinking that it's uncomfortable, will be replaced with I LOVE IT AND I'M STAYING. Any new robe needs to be worn before it's comfy. Your load is easy and light. I am choosing You. Help me to choose You everyday. I ask for Your true and awesome tending and guiding and wisdom, that supersedes any goofy thought I came up with. You Rock, and are MY Rock!
Psalm 25
Psalm 71 20:21
You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,
Shall revive me again,
And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
You shall increase my greatness,
And comfort me on every side.
Praise HIM :)
Friday, May 30, 2008
Back from the ENT ~
Good Morning ~
He is the same today, yesterday and forever :)
We just got back from the ENT (Ear, Nose & Throat
surgeon) and have a surgery date for Kiley for her
Tonsils, Adenoids, and a possible lancing of her right
eardrum to drain the fluid/pus.
:(
July 7, Thursday, the time is TBA, probably afternoon.
This is a two week recovery (eeaakkk) with the first
week of NO ACTIVITY! (Ok, what exactly does that look
like at 4 years old????) And the second week avoiding
Physical activity, (Wow, this is really when we will
need some serious prayer! to keep her down for two
full weeks)
So, specific prayers are :
Quick healing,
No pain,
That she would stay well hydrated, and
The two week recovery there would be no activity that
could cause damage or pain to the site.
No excessive bleeding;
That Jesus would be with the surgical team and the
hospital staff.
That we as a family can reflect Christ and His
goodness to all.
And whatever else He may lead you to pray for.
Yes, I have been through similar situations before,
and it is no less or more than any of the others. The
Lord's participation is just as important in each one.
I am fully depending on Him for her. :)
Thanks for your prayers and all :)
love,
Kari
He is the same today, yesterday and forever :)
We just got back from the ENT (Ear, Nose & Throat
surgeon) and have a surgery date for Kiley for her
Tonsils, Adenoids, and a possible lancing of her right
eardrum to drain the fluid/pus.
:(
July 7, Thursday, the time is TBA, probably afternoon.
This is a two week recovery (eeaakkk) with the first
week of NO ACTIVITY! (Ok, what exactly does that look
like at 4 years old????) And the second week avoiding
Physical activity, (Wow, this is really when we will
need some serious prayer! to keep her down for two
full weeks)
So, specific prayers are :
Quick healing,
No pain,
That she would stay well hydrated, and
The two week recovery there would be no activity that
could cause damage or pain to the site.
No excessive bleeding;
That Jesus would be with the surgical team and the
hospital staff.
That we as a family can reflect Christ and His
goodness to all.
And whatever else He may lead you to pray for.
Yes, I have been through similar situations before,
and it is no less or more than any of the others. The
Lord's participation is just as important in each one.
I am fully depending on Him for her. :)
Thanks for your prayers and all :)
love,
Kari
Thursday, May 29, 2008
The Letter
From: Father
To: You
I appreciate your dependence upon Me.
O My child, give Me your heart, for out of it are the issues of life.
For I say to you, My hand is on you, and I will keep you in all places wherever you go.
Yes, I am your God, and I am your Father, and I will care for you and provide for you according to all that you need.
Yes, and I will be at your side, ready to help you whenever you will call on Me.
I am not unmindful of any of your needs, and My concern is for you.
You do not need to carry your own load, for I will be happy to help you carry it and to also bear you up as well.
You do not walk alone or meet any situation alone, for I am with you, and I will give you wisdom and I will give you strength, and My blessing will be on you.
Only keep your heart set on Me and your affections on things above; for I cannot bless you unless you ask Me, and I cannot answer if you do not call, and I cannot come to you, except you come to Me.
Do not wait to feel more worthy, for no man is worthy of My blessings.
My grace bypasses all your shortcomings that you hate, and I give to My children because they ask of Me...and because I love them and I do not love one more than another.
I give most liberally to those who ask the most of Me. For I love to have you depend on Me.
This is why the Spirit within you cries "Abba-Father!"
As your Father I anticipate your dependence on Me. You may, by maturity outgrow your dependence on human parentage, but as My child, you will never "outgrow" your spiritual sonship. . .
Nor will I ever cast you out on your own resources, even when you will yourself come into this position of father in human relationship. You will then appreciate even more fully My feelings toward you. For you will know by your own human experience the love of a father, and the desire to care for and provide and you will know more fully, how much I love you, and how ready I am to help you, and how available I am to counsel with you and give you My support.
Heaven's resources are at your command, and you need never to want, so long as I am your Shepherd. Think not in your heart that since I know all about you, you need not tell me. It is true that I know, but you need to tell Me, so that in the telling, you may experience the release of an open heart and the fellowship of a friend.
For as you open your heart to Me, I will come to you.
As you speak to Me, I will speak to you.
As you reveal yourself to Me, I will reveal Myself to you.
This is a law of life.
There must be action to bring reaction. There must be a question to bring an answer.
There must be an expression of love and confidence on the part of one person to arouse a corresponding response in another person.
Never presume upon My presence.
Never assume that knowing your need, I will automatically supply.
Ask, and it will be given. Call on Me, and I will answer you.
Tell Me that you love Me, and I will make your heart to know in a very real way, My love for you and my nearness and you will
NEVER feel alone.
To: You
I appreciate your dependence upon Me.
O My child, give Me your heart, for out of it are the issues of life.
For I say to you, My hand is on you, and I will keep you in all places wherever you go.
Yes, I am your God, and I am your Father, and I will care for you and provide for you according to all that you need.
Yes, and I will be at your side, ready to help you whenever you will call on Me.
I am not unmindful of any of your needs, and My concern is for you.
You do not need to carry your own load, for I will be happy to help you carry it and to also bear you up as well.
You do not walk alone or meet any situation alone, for I am with you, and I will give you wisdom and I will give you strength, and My blessing will be on you.
Only keep your heart set on Me and your affections on things above; for I cannot bless you unless you ask Me, and I cannot answer if you do not call, and I cannot come to you, except you come to Me.
Do not wait to feel more worthy, for no man is worthy of My blessings.
My grace bypasses all your shortcomings that you hate, and I give to My children because they ask of Me...and because I love them and I do not love one more than another.
I give most liberally to those who ask the most of Me. For I love to have you depend on Me.
This is why the Spirit within you cries "Abba-Father!"
As your Father I anticipate your dependence on Me. You may, by maturity outgrow your dependence on human parentage, but as My child, you will never "outgrow" your spiritual sonship. . .
Nor will I ever cast you out on your own resources, even when you will yourself come into this position of father in human relationship. You will then appreciate even more fully My feelings toward you. For you will know by your own human experience the love of a father, and the desire to care for and provide and you will know more fully, how much I love you, and how ready I am to help you, and how available I am to counsel with you and give you My support.
Heaven's resources are at your command, and you need never to want, so long as I am your Shepherd. Think not in your heart that since I know all about you, you need not tell me. It is true that I know, but you need to tell Me, so that in the telling, you may experience the release of an open heart and the fellowship of a friend.
For as you open your heart to Me, I will come to you.
As you speak to Me, I will speak to you.
As you reveal yourself to Me, I will reveal Myself to you.
This is a law of life.
There must be action to bring reaction. There must be a question to bring an answer.
There must be an expression of love and confidence on the part of one person to arouse a corresponding response in another person.
Never presume upon My presence.
Never assume that knowing your need, I will automatically supply.
Ask, and it will be given. Call on Me, and I will answer you.
Tell Me that you love Me, and I will make your heart to know in a very real way, My love for you and my nearness and you will
NEVER feel alone.
Monday, May 26, 2008
This weekend is my Freedom weekend. Todd's sermon was on Joshua 4 and making Spiritual Markers along our Spiritual Journey. Well, here is my marker for this weekend. I was blessed to read a post that shared her new artwork, and totally filled in the blank of what I would use as my marker for the work He is doing in me!
Before,
:) I love it! I love HIM and what He has done for and through and with me !!
Before,
:) I love it! I love HIM and what He has done for and through and with me !!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Freedom is never Free
My birth father went to Vietnam, via the Marines, My Grandfather went to Burma via the Army Cavarly, my first father-in-law went to Germany in the Army, my 85 year old neighbor was in WWII and was shot down and became a POW for a while. My Savior, perfect, sinless, died a shameful death for me, so I could be free. No, freedom is not ever free. Not ever carelessly attained. It is battled for and once it is attained, it is held onto for life. I should be so persevering. Hold on to my freedom with all that is within me.
The past few days I have been brought to a place in my personal life that I need to make some choices to get on with moving toward the Freedom promised me in Christ or stay in a place of bondage. My marriage has been the most recent arena of bondage. I know that doesn't sound right, but I would have to place blame otherwise, and since it is both of our faults and our common denominator is marriage, I'll mark it off there. Well, unfortunately the bad choices made repeatedly much much before we ever married, before I ever married the first time, have made the bondage what it is in our marriage. Because I didn't value myself. I thought I should settle with whoever would just have me, and when they were done with me, to move on, maybe more than one at a time. And boy did I make the rounds. One unhealthy choice after another, after another, after another etc. So, here I am in this place. Helplessly in love with my Savior, but daily challenged by an enemy. One who is ever knocking on my heels about my attitude, the inflection of my voice, my lacking love or kindness or patience and even accusing me of unforgiving or walking in sin. And this is coming from my husband. The one I fully expected to be patient and kind and tender and loving to me, but oh no, I am to be all that to him, and then his life will be better, and when I don't perform, I am walking in sin, I am unforgiving, I am nasty. I treat him so badly. This cycle or pattern or pit is fatal for the likes of me who has thrived on the favor and affections of men. All he has to do is point out my fault, and I am quick to defend or mend it.
Until now.
He who the son sets free is FREE indeed. I remember years ago driving home from Chicago after visiting my then boyfriend, and listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song proclaiming that. On the radio in the middle of Indiana, all I could pick up was Christian stations, (um ~ ironic, I think not :) I began to crave this FREEDOM. But, I didn't deserve it. I knew it. I was a woman that sought lovers, not the lover of my soul. I had not read the story of my sister at the well, yet.
Then I read it, there she was, with Him, Jesus, and He knew! He KNOWS ~ all my (gulp) behaviors. Shame washed over me. I had not read 1 John 1:9 promising me that if I confess my sin He if Faithful and Just to forgive me my sin and Cleanse me from all unrighteousness. But, when I did, I was on my face for it seems hours! sobbing. I still don't know if I got it all out, probably not, I should still be on my face the rest of my days, but I would not get much accomplished then.
So, after I broke off an engagement to what was going to be marriage number 3, and my high school sweetheart rekindled. I had no idea how terribly vulnerable and susceptible I was for the rebound about to happen. I remember driving up to the church I had been going to for about 3 years, where I had heard clearly the Gospel of Jesus, and fell head long in love with Him, and I had made a regular habit of praying while I was driving, so I was praying about the recent breakup. Plus, I had cheated on my engaged, because I put myself in compromising positions with men, and could not seem to find my way out before it went too far. Each time. I kept getting so mad at God, blaming Him for 'not giving me an out', I thought He promised me that. I totally had not considered that due to my compromise, I rendered Him helpless. My will was being carried out. I get it now. Hind sight is 20/20. Discernment was NOT my strong suit.
So, here I am in once again an unhealthy relationship/marriage #3 where so much damage has been done. So many patterns of pit behavior. I don't even know how to behave differently. To let Jesus defend me, to just stay safely with Him, and be still. I just know that at this season, He is breaking my shackles off. To let me walk in freedom. He has taught me that if I fall and then stay in guilt or fear, the enemy keeps me bound there. I will fall, He will restore me. No guilt, No shame, No fear.
Fall of the horse, dust off, get up and get back on, and keep riding. Don't focus on the fall, focus on staying on and moving on.
My mind gets so warped at times about "works based" relationships. And this is what this is. A Dependent/Co-dependent relationship. He is dependent on me filling his needs, and I am the co-dep that fills his needs. And I mess up so regularly, and he tells me to do better, do more, love better, be nicer, and I hear it from the people I go to church with also (different church now). Obviously, I need to do better.
But, what I read in the bible is to be still, stop striving, my works are as filthy rags, and let Him work it out.
Contradiction.
I asked this morning to have all expectations of me dropped. The response was that I was walking in sin.
I know that I am closer to Jesus now, than anyone, and I know what He is doing in my heart, and He is drawing me to freedom. But he (T) thinks I'm walking in sin, because, (what I can gather) is he is threatened I will not be filling his needs. Because he is not getting his needs met in Christ. If he were letting Christ fill him up, he would not make demands from me, I would just be icing on the cake. But I am the foundation filler for him, and no wonder he is coming up so empty. I am a pathetic filler. I disappoint with the best of them. I pray that he begins to feel so parched without Christ's filling that he thirsts for Jesus alone, and takes him aim off of me to be the filler.
Lord knows that I have used plenty of fillers, my current filler is food. It has been men, alcohol, my kids, working, money, shopping, etc. I am so disgusted at my weight. Obviously my filler is food, not Jesus. I want HIM, not food. I want freedom, not bondage. I grieve that my kids have not seen a true Believer's life in our home, just me skipping around. Unstable. I have made some great choices this year. I rededicated my life on January 27 this year, I also began college in March. And am currently on the Deans list! I got an A+ in Medical Terminology! That is a hard class! I got a 100% on my final exam!!!!!!! No one around here seems to excited about it BUT ME!!!! (and my kids) I want to make a better life for us. To get away from the instability. To be able to bless others, take good vacations, buy school clothes, shoes and needs. To have my teeth properly taken care of. To have my children taken care of. Bills paid on time.
And when I say things like I can not do any more at this point, I get criticized for not doing more. I don't get prayer that Jesus would stand me up and cause me to move by the power of the Holy Spirit. When I say I am broken and unable. It is ignored, and more demands are placed upon me.
I need prayer, I need good Godly people, who know His goodness, and will speak it around me. I listen to Worship and Praise music just for that effect. It's pretty one-sided, but helps me to worship and get built up!
I read a sweet woman's posts about her "pitcher". I am going to do that, and today Todd taught on Joshua 4 about spiritual markers. My pitcher will be my Spiritual marker for this season. :) I look forward to that sweet time with Jesus.
Jesus ~ You rock! I need all of You!
k
ps keep Chapman's in prayers, especially Will, Lord God do Your thing in Him, and keep him from the relentless enemy. In Jesus' name. Amen.
The past few days I have been brought to a place in my personal life that I need to make some choices to get on with moving toward the Freedom promised me in Christ or stay in a place of bondage. My marriage has been the most recent arena of bondage. I know that doesn't sound right, but I would have to place blame otherwise, and since it is both of our faults and our common denominator is marriage, I'll mark it off there. Well, unfortunately the bad choices made repeatedly much much before we ever married, before I ever married the first time, have made the bondage what it is in our marriage. Because I didn't value myself. I thought I should settle with whoever would just have me, and when they were done with me, to move on, maybe more than one at a time. And boy did I make the rounds. One unhealthy choice after another, after another, after another etc. So, here I am in this place. Helplessly in love with my Savior, but daily challenged by an enemy. One who is ever knocking on my heels about my attitude, the inflection of my voice, my lacking love or kindness or patience and even accusing me of unforgiving or walking in sin. And this is coming from my husband. The one I fully expected to be patient and kind and tender and loving to me, but oh no, I am to be all that to him, and then his life will be better, and when I don't perform, I am walking in sin, I am unforgiving, I am nasty. I treat him so badly. This cycle or pattern or pit is fatal for the likes of me who has thrived on the favor and affections of men. All he has to do is point out my fault, and I am quick to defend or mend it.
Until now.
He who the son sets free is FREE indeed. I remember years ago driving home from Chicago after visiting my then boyfriend, and listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song proclaiming that. On the radio in the middle of Indiana, all I could pick up was Christian stations, (um ~ ironic, I think not :) I began to crave this FREEDOM. But, I didn't deserve it. I knew it. I was a woman that sought lovers, not the lover of my soul. I had not read the story of my sister at the well, yet.
Then I read it, there she was, with Him, Jesus, and He knew! He KNOWS ~ all my (gulp) behaviors. Shame washed over me. I had not read 1 John 1:9 promising me that if I confess my sin He if Faithful and Just to forgive me my sin and Cleanse me from all unrighteousness. But, when I did, I was on my face for it seems hours! sobbing. I still don't know if I got it all out, probably not, I should still be on my face the rest of my days, but I would not get much accomplished then.
So, after I broke off an engagement to what was going to be marriage number 3, and my high school sweetheart rekindled. I had no idea how terribly vulnerable and susceptible I was for the rebound about to happen. I remember driving up to the church I had been going to for about 3 years, where I had heard clearly the Gospel of Jesus, and fell head long in love with Him, and I had made a regular habit of praying while I was driving, so I was praying about the recent breakup. Plus, I had cheated on my engaged, because I put myself in compromising positions with men, and could not seem to find my way out before it went too far. Each time. I kept getting so mad at God, blaming Him for 'not giving me an out', I thought He promised me that. I totally had not considered that due to my compromise, I rendered Him helpless. My will was being carried out. I get it now. Hind sight is 20/20. Discernment was NOT my strong suit.
So, here I am in once again an unhealthy relationship/marriage #3 where so much damage has been done. So many patterns of pit behavior. I don't even know how to behave differently. To let Jesus defend me, to just stay safely with Him, and be still. I just know that at this season, He is breaking my shackles off. To let me walk in freedom. He has taught me that if I fall and then stay in guilt or fear, the enemy keeps me bound there. I will fall, He will restore me. No guilt, No shame, No fear.
Fall of the horse, dust off, get up and get back on, and keep riding. Don't focus on the fall, focus on staying on and moving on.
My mind gets so warped at times about "works based" relationships. And this is what this is. A Dependent/Co-dependent relationship. He is dependent on me filling his needs, and I am the co-dep that fills his needs. And I mess up so regularly, and he tells me to do better, do more, love better, be nicer, and I hear it from the people I go to church with also (different church now). Obviously, I need to do better.
But, what I read in the bible is to be still, stop striving, my works are as filthy rags, and let Him work it out.
Contradiction.
I asked this morning to have all expectations of me dropped. The response was that I was walking in sin.
I know that I am closer to Jesus now, than anyone, and I know what He is doing in my heart, and He is drawing me to freedom. But he (T) thinks I'm walking in sin, because, (what I can gather) is he is threatened I will not be filling his needs. Because he is not getting his needs met in Christ. If he were letting Christ fill him up, he would not make demands from me, I would just be icing on the cake. But I am the foundation filler for him, and no wonder he is coming up so empty. I am a pathetic filler. I disappoint with the best of them. I pray that he begins to feel so parched without Christ's filling that he thirsts for Jesus alone, and takes him aim off of me to be the filler.
Lord knows that I have used plenty of fillers, my current filler is food. It has been men, alcohol, my kids, working, money, shopping, etc. I am so disgusted at my weight. Obviously my filler is food, not Jesus. I want HIM, not food. I want freedom, not bondage. I grieve that my kids have not seen a true Believer's life in our home, just me skipping around. Unstable. I have made some great choices this year. I rededicated my life on January 27 this year, I also began college in March. And am currently on the Deans list! I got an A+ in Medical Terminology! That is a hard class! I got a 100% on my final exam!!!!!!! No one around here seems to excited about it BUT ME!!!! (and my kids) I want to make a better life for us. To get away from the instability. To be able to bless others, take good vacations, buy school clothes, shoes and needs. To have my teeth properly taken care of. To have my children taken care of. Bills paid on time.
And when I say things like I can not do any more at this point, I get criticized for not doing more. I don't get prayer that Jesus would stand me up and cause me to move by the power of the Holy Spirit. When I say I am broken and unable. It is ignored, and more demands are placed upon me.
I need prayer, I need good Godly people, who know His goodness, and will speak it around me. I listen to Worship and Praise music just for that effect. It's pretty one-sided, but helps me to worship and get built up!
I read a sweet woman's posts about her "pitcher". I am going to do that, and today Todd taught on Joshua 4 about spiritual markers. My pitcher will be my Spiritual marker for this season. :) I look forward to that sweet time with Jesus.
Jesus ~ You rock! I need all of You!
k
ps keep Chapman's in prayers, especially Will, Lord God do Your thing in Him, and keep him from the relentless enemy. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Still Here :)
I haven't been on here in a long time. No reason, I just Xanga much more. My life is still in His hands, and changing much lately. My step daughter got married, and moved to Washington, and within three days of arriving there, she rolled her truck up in the mountains going up Snoqualmie Pass. They walked away, Praise the Lord for the angels doing a fine job. She got a ticket for speeding in the conditions, she has to learn the ways of the mountains, they are different than Ohio.
I started school. At 40 I am going back for an Assoc. Degree in Medical Assisting. I figure since I've been remarried for 6 1/2 years, and been threw the ringer with this one, I am not on his priority to provide or care for, I had better plan out a better plan for myself and my kids. The kicker was this Christmas we could hardly get them anything. I want to lavish my kids with some nicities, not spoil them, but for cryin'out loud, I can do much better than this pit. I deserve much better than this.
God is refining me while I'm here, but also moving me toward a more productive life for Him and my legacy. I am sorry my husband is not able to be or do what is necessary, and I'm really sorry for who ever taught him how to place blame on others for every problem that comes down the pike. Immaturity at its finest. But, I also came to the crytal clear truth that I am a "harvest stealer," stepping in where others have planted (usually bad seed) to keep the harvest from coming to them, (the consequence of their actions) I believe the world calls this Co-dependency. The boat is rocking hard now, cause I have drawn some serious lines in the sand about being responsible for ONLY MY choices and consequences, and I am no longer placing myself to be responsible for others (mainly my husband) choices or lack of good choices or whatever the case may be. I have confidently stepped out of the role especially inregards to my husband having a small business. He had one, made some really bad choices, would not listen to the Lord or me, rebelled took out a bunch of stuff on credit, couldn't pay it back, wouldn't balance checkbook, blamed all on me and others, and he had to file bankruptcy two years ago, and this has caused much distress and stomach disorders for me, but recently, I released him to the Lord, and told him that if he wants to have another small bus, that it is his baby, he makes all the choices and gets all the repercussions. I'm out. Of course, he took off full blast and wanted to get phones and order business cards, but didn't get too far, cause his credit is shot. He loves to drag me into this problem, even though he was so verbally abusive during the time of his business failing and he placed me as his shield from the creditors, he wouldn't talk to them, he had me do it, so all of the end result, he was (in his own mind) blaming me for it all failing, and says that since we are married this is also my fault. Unfortunately he is stuck in the mindset of constantly thinking about "Whose Fault it is" and it could not possibly be his. This slope is terribly slippery to get out of. But, I'm sure it has everything to do with KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT. The Word of God, clearly explains how to deal with "foolish people" is to not have a conversation with them, they will drag you into the stranglehold. I have totally experienced it, and learned far more than I cared to learn about it. But, I am learning, that I am an Advocate for the underdog, but I also learned that as Advocate'y', as I can be, it still will not change the stubborn mind of a bully. So, the best thing to do is not engage with them.
Ok, enough stuff.
God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good :)
Even in the pit. . .
Oh, Grace had her puppies two days before the wedding!!! She had 6 but two did not make it. Four are thriving little butter balls, all Chocolate Labrador Retrievers. Gorgeous!!
Monday, January 14, 2008
The New Blessings Unlimited Catalog is out!!
You can view it here, there is a link to download a PDF file version of it!
www.blessingsdirect.com
click "Our Products" then on the next page click "To preview our
latest catalog" link, and it will download.
If anyone is interested or have any questions about getting started ~ Let me know, I'd be happy to assist!
~~~~~
Please pray for my niece
She is in Children's Hospital in Dayton, her name is Brittany, and she was admitted because of a severe kidney infection. My sister said they intend to keep her another three days!!! Scarey :(
My Gracey girl was "smiling" when she met her "new Husband" my husband said. So, I will not worry. I'll call later today to see how she is doing.
The first chapter of Sacred Marriage was good, and the discussion questions in the back proved to immediately bring forth "confession" on my part. The first question was "Why did you marry? and was it Biblical?" Well, talk about getting off to a "good start", and being the Honest Abe, that I tend to be, when it comes to my sin, and blurting it out there, I just went ahead and confessed that one of my main reasons was to protect or be a rescuer for my now step daughter. He obviously was offended, but, whether he admits it or not, there was serious rage, and she was the recipient of it. BUT I should NOT enter into a covenant with ulterior motives. So, whether he forgives me or not or whatever, at least that is out in the open now and hopefully, one less bag to carry for me.
God will honor my confession and cleanse me and restore It's a promise 1John 1:9. So I can be clean hands and pure heart toward my commitment now. Besides, when he was posed the same question ~ he wouldn't answer it. Just saying that it was NOT biblical reasons he married me. So, even ground at the cross!
I figure if we can read on Sundays and Wednesday a chapter each, then we can get through it in about six weeks. Sounds good~
Blessings
kari
You can view it here, there is a link to download a PDF file version of it!
www.blessingsdirect.com
click "Our Products" then on the next page click "To preview our
latest catalog" link, and it will download.
If anyone is interested or have any questions about getting started ~ Let me know, I'd be happy to assist!
~~~~~
Please pray for my niece
She is in Children's Hospital in Dayton, her name is Brittany, and she was admitted because of a severe kidney infection. My sister said they intend to keep her another three days!!! Scarey :(
My Gracey girl was "smiling" when she met her "new Husband" my husband said. So, I will not worry. I'll call later today to see how she is doing.
The first chapter of Sacred Marriage was good, and the discussion questions in the back proved to immediately bring forth "confession" on my part. The first question was "Why did you marry? and was it Biblical?" Well, talk about getting off to a "good start", and being the Honest Abe, that I tend to be, when it comes to my sin, and blurting it out there, I just went ahead and confessed that one of my main reasons was to protect or be a rescuer for my now step daughter. He obviously was offended, but, whether he admits it or not, there was serious rage, and she was the recipient of it. BUT I should NOT enter into a covenant with ulterior motives. So, whether he forgives me or not or whatever, at least that is out in the open now and hopefully, one less bag to carry for me.
God will honor my confession and cleanse me and restore It's a promise 1John 1:9. So I can be clean hands and pure heart toward my commitment now. Besides, when he was posed the same question ~ he wouldn't answer it. Just saying that it was NOT biblical reasons he married me. So, even ground at the cross!
I figure if we can read on Sundays and Wednesday a chapter each, then we can get through it in about six weeks. Sounds good~
Blessings
kari
Good Sunday :)
I pray everyones day was blessed and refreshing. We tried out a new church again today
It was nice. I kind of liked it. The Pastor was on target and perfectly choreographed to go along with my life :)
Pooky girl had a good time with the kids, she is so secure, that she just joins right on in with no fear! Amazing!
My other two older ones had a horrible time with insecurity, which pointed straight to me and pulling the rug out from under them, when they were babies, when their dad and I got divorced. Man that was s-t-u-p-i-d. But, they are ok, and in the Lord's hands. They have turned out pretty good despite my attempts at sabotage :(
Anyway, my husband is taking my precious doggie Grace up to be "bred".
She is 5 and we have attempted breeding her several times unsucessfully, so hopefully she takes this time, or she is getting spayed. She is an emotional mess when she is in season, I mean whining, and nervous, just a mess. I am going to miss her and concerned for her since she is such a mommy's girl, how she will do being away from me for several days.
Who knows maybe she will take immediately and he can just bring her right back home ;)
I couldn't go, I would have cried all the way home.
Tonight dh and I are beginning to read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It is supposed to be one of the best pointers to the picture of what God intends for us to become within marriage, holiness, not happiness.
We need prayer to journey to completion of the book, we have been married 6 years and not yet read a book to completion; The enemy loves to distract us. We also really need some mentoring couples, seasoned and well versed in Jesus; God is big and he can do it!
I pray everyones day was blessed and refreshing. We tried out a new church again today
It was nice. I kind of liked it. The Pastor was on target and perfectly choreographed to go along with my life :)
Pooky girl had a good time with the kids, she is so secure, that she just joins right on in with no fear! Amazing!
My other two older ones had a horrible time with insecurity, which pointed straight to me and pulling the rug out from under them, when they were babies, when their dad and I got divorced. Man that was s-t-u-p-i-d. But, they are ok, and in the Lord's hands. They have turned out pretty good despite my attempts at sabotage :(
Anyway, my husband is taking my precious doggie Grace up to be "bred".
She is 5 and we have attempted breeding her several times unsucessfully, so hopefully she takes this time, or she is getting spayed. She is an emotional mess when she is in season, I mean whining, and nervous, just a mess. I am going to miss her and concerned for her since she is such a mommy's girl, how she will do being away from me for several days.
Who knows maybe she will take immediately and he can just bring her right back home ;)
I couldn't go, I would have cried all the way home.
Tonight dh and I are beginning to read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It is supposed to be one of the best pointers to the picture of what God intends for us to become within marriage, holiness, not happiness.
We need prayer to journey to completion of the book, we have been married 6 years and not yet read a book to completion; The enemy loves to distract us. We also really need some mentoring couples, seasoned and well versed in Jesus; God is big and he can do it!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Shame and Honor
As per the Holman Dictionary:
{SHAME AND HONOR Sociological studies have increased appreciation for shame and honor as two pivotal values in ancient societies. As a noun, honor approximates our ideas of esteem, respect, (high) regard, or (good) reputation. Shame, the opposite of honor, approximates humiliation or loss of standing. Shame is also used as a euphemism for nakedness (Jer. 13:26; Nah. 3:5; Hab. 2:15). In a similar way, to give honor to private parts is to clothe them (1 Cor. 12:23-24). English preserves this connection between shame and nakedness when we speak of someone’s guilt being exposed. In Jeremiah 2:26, for example, a thief once caught suffers shame, that is, the loss of esteem in the public eye.
To honor is to recognize the value of someone or thing and to act accordingly. Honoring parents (Ex. 20:12), for example, involves providing for their material needs (Matt. 15:4-5) so that their poverty would not be a source of shame. To honor can mean to reward with tangible signs of respect (2 Chron. 16:14; Esth. 6:8-11). To shame someone is to challenge that one’s reputation or to disregard his or her worth. The ancients viewed every human action and interaction as an occasion for either gaining honor, that is, increasing one’s value in the public eye, or for being shamed, that is, having one’s estimation degraded. The desire to maintain one’s honor and to avoid shame or dishonor was a powerful incentive for right action (Job 11:3; Ps. 70:3; Ezek. 43:10). Honor was thought of as a limited good, that is, the amount of available honor was limited. If one lost honor, another had to gain honor (Prov. 5:9).
Those who demonstrate a lack of concern for matters of honor and shame are termed shameless. Having rejected the framework for values, such will do anything (Job. 19:3; Jer. 6:15). Others fail to recognize what is a source of honor and what a source of shame. Those who are ashamed of Christ and His words (Mark 8:32) are shamed by what should give them honor.
The reference to the man and woman in Gen. 2:25 being naked and unashamed likely does not highlight that they were not bashful. Rather, their honor or respect was intact in contrast to the loss of respect they suffered when God made their guilt public (Gen. 3:8-10).
Chris Church}
~~~~~~~~
This morning, the sky is clear and bright, the sunrise was majestically beautiful, almost like a crisp mountain morning, but we are in the Ohio valley, so there are MANY less stars, but beauty none-the-less. My 3 year old is playing the "drums" with pots and pans and enjoying her breakfast and cartoons! I was blessed with some redemption time with Kt about what the Lord blessed me with this am, on the way to school.
The "storm" has calmed, and peace has snuck in. What a joyous relief. The fear and terror of the "storm" churns and causes a sense of desperation, that just doesn't settle. But, one thing I am learning is that the 'storm' and the unsettledness, is meant to open my eyes to my sin, and REPENT.
My new phrase is: "Instead of asking questions of our trials ~ Our trials are meant to ask questions of ourselves." (Hadassah/Esther~One Night With The King).
And so as I find myself in the despicable quagmire of sin, I ask my self again, "Why do I do this?" . . . and I am gaining understanding and wisdom, but I just can't go back and "change the choices I made or the seeds I've sown," but I can STOP sowing weeds, and start sowing good seed. So, the future harvest will be a good harvest, not destruction.
So, after MUCH tears and time on the floor and squirming around with the ugliness and shame, confession came, and with it forgiveness, and cleansing and guidance. I don't understand it, I just am a party to it. I am not meant to understand the Ways of God, and how He deals with His children, I just know that when I am "anxious, and defensive and focused on someone-else's behavior" He WILL wrestle me to the ground, and let me experience a "bit" of what it could be like without His peace and protection, which naturally freaks me out, and I do what EVER I can to get back into "right relationship" with Him.
He showed me some of the most amazing things this morning. First I don't know how, but I started reading about shame and honor, a paper I had tucked in my sword, then, I somehow (God's mysterious ways) got to Job 18 & 19, where his last friend slams him and then he still trusts in His Lord God Almighty, and the life application went on about "critical people" and the like, and how to "respond" which was ~ can I say "exactly what I needed to read" because it was the complete opposite of what I did. . . :(
"But in reality, the LEAST effective way to respond to criticism is to defend yourself, make excuses, or counterattack . . .
Remind yourself that you are responsible to answer to God and to yourself, NOT to the critical person. Being responsible to God, you look to Him for direction and approval, Being responsible to yourself, you take ownership of your feelings, attitudes, and behavior. If you are aligned with God, and with what He wants you to be, you don't need to fear criticism or try to justify your position. You have the power to make your own choices and grow through the experience of criticism."
~ Amen
Then as I am chowing down on all that, my alarm went off, (The Lord awoken me much earlier than usual) and The Heaven and Home hour comes on, and he is telling me that God know everything that is going on right now and that He allowed it into my life, and I need to praise Him and be Thankful in all situations, including the one I'm in right now, because I cannot see all He is doing and then rattled off these scripts;
Deut 8:16 "who fed you in the wilderness with manna, which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do you good in the end--
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Isaiah 45:9 "Woe to him who strives with his Maker!
Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth!
Shall the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?'
Or shall your handiwork say, 'He has no hands'?
2 Peter 1:10 Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble
1 Thessalonians 5:18
in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Alright then, that should do it.
And with all that, to chew on for days, and weeks and years ~
Bless the Lord oh, my soul, and let me not forget His benefits
k
{SHAME AND HONOR Sociological studies have increased appreciation for shame and honor as two pivotal values in ancient societies. As a noun, honor approximates our ideas of esteem, respect, (high) regard, or (good) reputation. Shame, the opposite of honor, approximates humiliation or loss of standing. Shame is also used as a euphemism for nakedness (Jer. 13:26; Nah. 3:5; Hab. 2:15). In a similar way, to give honor to private parts is to clothe them (1 Cor. 12:23-24). English preserves this connection between shame and nakedness when we speak of someone’s guilt being exposed. In Jeremiah 2:26, for example, a thief once caught suffers shame, that is, the loss of esteem in the public eye.
To honor is to recognize the value of someone or thing and to act accordingly. Honoring parents (Ex. 20:12), for example, involves providing for their material needs (Matt. 15:4-5) so that their poverty would not be a source of shame. To honor can mean to reward with tangible signs of respect (2 Chron. 16:14; Esth. 6:8-11). To shame someone is to challenge that one’s reputation or to disregard his or her worth. The ancients viewed every human action and interaction as an occasion for either gaining honor, that is, increasing one’s value in the public eye, or for being shamed, that is, having one’s estimation degraded. The desire to maintain one’s honor and to avoid shame or dishonor was a powerful incentive for right action (Job 11:3; Ps. 70:3; Ezek. 43:10). Honor was thought of as a limited good, that is, the amount of available honor was limited. If one lost honor, another had to gain honor (Prov. 5:9).
Those who demonstrate a lack of concern for matters of honor and shame are termed shameless. Having rejected the framework for values, such will do anything (Job. 19:3; Jer. 6:15). Others fail to recognize what is a source of honor and what a source of shame. Those who are ashamed of Christ and His words (Mark 8:32) are shamed by what should give them honor.
The reference to the man and woman in Gen. 2:25 being naked and unashamed likely does not highlight that they were not bashful. Rather, their honor or respect was intact in contrast to the loss of respect they suffered when God made their guilt public (Gen. 3:8-10).
Chris Church}
~~~~~~~~
This morning, the sky is clear and bright, the sunrise was majestically beautiful, almost like a crisp mountain morning, but we are in the Ohio valley, so there are MANY less stars, but beauty none-the-less. My 3 year old is playing the "drums" with pots and pans and enjoying her breakfast and cartoons! I was blessed with some redemption time with Kt about what the Lord blessed me with this am, on the way to school.
The "storm" has calmed, and peace has snuck in. What a joyous relief. The fear and terror of the "storm" churns and causes a sense of desperation, that just doesn't settle. But, one thing I am learning is that the 'storm' and the unsettledness, is meant to open my eyes to my sin, and REPENT.
My new phrase is: "Instead of asking questions of our trials ~ Our trials are meant to ask questions of ourselves." (Hadassah/Esther~One Night With The King).
And so as I find myself in the despicable quagmire of sin, I ask my self again, "Why do I do this?" . . . and I am gaining understanding and wisdom, but I just can't go back and "change the choices I made or the seeds I've sown," but I can STOP sowing weeds, and start sowing good seed. So, the future harvest will be a good harvest, not destruction.
So, after MUCH tears and time on the floor and squirming around with the ugliness and shame, confession came, and with it forgiveness, and cleansing and guidance. I don't understand it, I just am a party to it. I am not meant to understand the Ways of God, and how He deals with His children, I just know that when I am "anxious, and defensive and focused on someone-else's behavior" He WILL wrestle me to the ground, and let me experience a "bit" of what it could be like without His peace and protection, which naturally freaks me out, and I do what EVER I can to get back into "right relationship" with Him.
He showed me some of the most amazing things this morning. First I don't know how, but I started reading about shame and honor, a paper I had tucked in my sword, then, I somehow (God's mysterious ways) got to Job 18 & 19, where his last friend slams him and then he still trusts in His Lord God Almighty, and the life application went on about "critical people" and the like, and how to "respond" which was ~ can I say "exactly what I needed to read" because it was the complete opposite of what I did. . . :(
"But in reality, the LEAST effective way to respond to criticism is to defend yourself, make excuses, or counterattack . . .
Remind yourself that you are responsible to answer to God and to yourself, NOT to the critical person. Being responsible to God, you look to Him for direction and approval, Being responsible to yourself, you take ownership of your feelings, attitudes, and behavior. If you are aligned with God, and with what He wants you to be, you don't need to fear criticism or try to justify your position. You have the power to make your own choices and grow through the experience of criticism."
~ Amen
Then as I am chowing down on all that, my alarm went off, (The Lord awoken me much earlier than usual) and The Heaven and Home hour comes on, and he is telling me that God know everything that is going on right now and that He allowed it into my life, and I need to praise Him and be Thankful in all situations, including the one I'm in right now, because I cannot see all He is doing and then rattled off these scripts;
Deut 8:16 "who fed you in the wilderness with manna, which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do you good in the end--
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Isaiah 45:9 "Woe to him who strives with his Maker!
Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth!
Shall the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?'
Or shall your handiwork say, 'He has no hands'?
2 Peter 1:10 Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble
1 Thessalonians 5:18
in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Alright then, that should do it.
And with all that, to chew on for days, and weeks and years ~
Bless the Lord oh, my soul, and let me not forget His benefits
k
Thursday, January 3, 2008
More Grace
Ephesians 2:8 (New King James Version)
For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God,
How this one simplicity from the Word of God can squelch so many disagreements. It is so simple. Religions make it so difficult, and add so much to it.
By Grace, you have been saved
Through faith . . .
A Gift of God.
That's it.
I have done nothing.
I was in position to "hear" the Word of God, which in turn planted a "seed" of Faith, because ~ Faith comes by "hearing" and "hearing" the Word of God. And Faith grew to the degree to Believe, and understand, and I'm back to square one Nothing I did, all by the Grace of God. A gift from God to me, to all humanity. But, humans want to make it hard.
The most recent scripts that are rising up right now are the above and also:
Philippians 3:10
My determined purpose to know him, and the power of His resurrection.
2 Peter 1:3
as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue,
Titus 2:11-12
“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,”-
Today's passage is from the New International Version.
Lord, that I may know You and Your Grace and Power as I live out my life here, and that You are Pleased and Glorified!
k
For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God,
How this one simplicity from the Word of God can squelch so many disagreements. It is so simple. Religions make it so difficult, and add so much to it.
By Grace, you have been saved
Through faith . . .
A Gift of God.
That's it.
I have done nothing.
I was in position to "hear" the Word of God, which in turn planted a "seed" of Faith, because ~ Faith comes by "hearing" and "hearing" the Word of God. And Faith grew to the degree to Believe, and understand, and I'm back to square one Nothing I did, all by the Grace of God. A gift from God to me, to all humanity. But, humans want to make it hard.
The most recent scripts that are rising up right now are the above and also:
Philippians 3:10
My determined purpose to know him, and the power of His resurrection.
2 Peter 1:3
as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue,
Titus 2:11-12
“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,”-
Today's passage is from the New International Version.
Lord, that I may know You and Your Grace and Power as I live out my life here, and that You are Pleased and Glorified!
k
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