Lord,
I am growing concerned about T, and his disconnectedness. He hasn't even called once to connect with Kiley. I am concerned about him just calling at the last minute and "making plans." There needs to be some structure about this. I am tempted to call him and ask him to come down for dinner. But, get the feeling that he needs to "court" me and he needs to crawl out of his hole instead of me enabling him in a bad relationship.

I lift that up to You, since You are the fixer of all things broken. We are obviously broken. I hurt so bad in church today to watch "families" connected and worshiping together. And I confess my jealousy that I don't have that, and then I catch myself wanting to "make it happen" but clearly you gave me "unless the Lord builds the house, they build in vain." and that sets me down. It still hurts, it wasn't supposed to be this way. I want to make it be ok, and it is not. And any attempt I try, will be futile, empty and another dead end. Once again, I ask You, who are the fixer of all things broken, to please fix me, and this.

Thanksgiving

To be thankful in the things that I am not:



Thank you that I sit here with such a heaviness of depression at what I have done to my family by making my bipolar husband move out after 7 years of abuse, and then he subsequently lost his job. And thank you for the absolute helplessness and emptiness I deal with when my 4 year old daughter is with him and he won't let her talk to me.

And Thank you that I have no idea how I am going to keep a roof over our heads as I go to school full time and have no job myself.

Thanks for the sleeplessness and the tears of fear.

Oh, and the shame that goes along with being a Christian and going through a divorce, because I chose Jesus' freedom.



Well, whether or not, getting to this place today has helped me to get out some fears and cry for a long time. And He, Oh most Most High has repeatedly pointed me to praise and trust Him. I confess that has been one of the hardest things to do as I am here today. I did, (super Praise) get some confirmation in the mail today of what I will be receiving for help. I am thankful. Yet, still anxious, there are big gaps. But, still he gives me peace. Until, my baby comes back from a short visit with her dad and says, "can I just stay with you for a long long time?" Rips my heart OUT OF MY CHEST. This is NOT how it was supposed to be.

Then, on top, my car won't start. And last night it was putting out this horrible smell like rubber burning. The mechanic says its the air compressor locked up. Great. So, I am just trying to be thankful. And pray. And do homework. I got through Math, with a C, but it wasn't and F!!!! Praise! So, now it's Pharmacology. The kids have the Christmas stuff out, it's weird, and I'm battleing depression because I don't know if I'll have any money to get them anything. I know it's not about stuff. It's totally about Jesus entrance into our fallen state to redeem us. We are so pathetic, we have even taken such a miracle and just demoralized it.