The Big "D"

Seven years ago, I was hectically planning a very simple wedding. My stomach was churning, I was painfully thin, because that is what I do to achieve the acceptance from men. My children were two years out from their house explosion, I was getting ready to enter into a covenant with a man I barely knew. Over the next seven years, I would get to know, experience, and become a person I barely recognized. It all started out somewhat normal, but you have to know me, I don't know normal. I know chaos, abuse, upheaval, and wanderlust. I know Jesus, and He was a big part of my life and my children's lives. And that too has evolved.

I have come to understand that I am married to a man that has bi-polar/depression. And looking over the past, It's clear as a bell, but coming through all the storms, I could barely lift my head. And, I two weeks ago presented my husband with a problem. I want to end our marriage legally. We have been to multiple counselor, pastors, etc. I have attempted to walk the "road of rules" of the church. I have failed miserably. But one of the most amazing truths I have gained in all this especially lately is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit Love me. They/He Loves me. So much more than I could even dream of loving my kids, and I think I love them. He loves me, and wants me, oh what did Angie write, No Longer Captives! I am Free. This marriage has been a form of captivity, slavery, and bondage. There has been very little kindness, especially from the bipolar experience. It can be very draining. No, literally sucking the life right out of you. I have tried to have compassion and gentleness, but when there is a proverbial gun barrel pointed straight at you, because you must be the fault of the problems, like, if I had just bought the right Coke, or Miracle whip, or tuna, then maybe I wouldn't have caused him to throw the plate clear across the room almost hitting me. Or if Kenton had just listened then it wouldn't have caused him to draw his fist back and threaten to punch him, or throw the remote at him. Or if the employees had just listened the FIRST time, then he wouldn't be so frustrated having to explain again to these morons how to do something. I had just paid the bills the way he told me, even though he was not looking at the check book, then we wouldn't have lost the business. If I just loved him the way a good Christian wife is supposed to love her husband, then we wouldn't be in this boat. If I had . . . all day long.

Well, even if I had, if would have still not been enough.

I am getting up shaking off the grave clothes and rising, because I am ransomed. Paid with the pure blood of Christ. I was found guilty, but He paid my debt. I am no longer a captive.

I believe He wants me to help other women get up and be free.

I want to share what He is doing in my life. I am a stay at home mom of 4 kids, one is married and off, two teens, 16 and 14 and an adorable 4 year old. I have not had income in @ 5 years. I had made the choice to stay home and sacrifice. It was worth it. Now its time for me to get moving in the working world, I believe ???? I decided in February to go back to Collage, In January I rededicated my life to Jesus, and it's been moving ever since :)

So, two weeks ago Saturday, I dropped my decision in his lap, he flipped out, called Pastor Todd for another "trial" of which I was found born again and forgiven, and maybe just maybe not at fault hmmmmm
Thursday morning he left me a note telling me that he will not be depositing his check into the account . . . leaving me high and dry. I have been budgeting and paying all the bills, and balancing the check book. So, his attempt to take control of money. He wrote he would leave me some cash.

So, I was talking with my friend Thomas the "Theologian" (haha) and we prayed that I would seek His peace, and LET IT GO. Harboring no bitterness toward T, because My Lord has me in the palm of His hand and will provide. I agreed. Several hours later, I received a phone call from a Dr. Office I had faxed my resume to, and she did a phone interview. They are desperate and need someone. I just won't be using any Phlebotomy and stuff. But I would be the surgeons scribe. during exams. How exciting is that! Good thing I love medical terminology. I need to brush up and study Ophthalmology terminology. So I am to call her Monday afternoon to discuss pros and cons. I will need to move school to nights :( But, I want to stay committed to finish.

Amazing!

Then I called my sister/friend Mary Kay to patch things up with us. It was beyond words. Priceless. I so miss her.

Also, several weeks ago, I was asking the Lord so please send me some good friends. He has sent me Kenny. We are just friends. He lost his wife in June. They were on a motorcycle, wrecked, she died :( he was seriously injured, broken pelvis, lacerated head. Their daughter Ashley is Katies best friend. So, she has dumped alot over there with their family about us, and Kenny, the week after I prayed for friends, randomly comes over to me and offers his friendship and tells me that Kt told them about us. So, I am taking him up on it. I will confess, he has some great qualities, that I love :) And he is doing remarkable well considering all that has happened. I just love hanging out with him. I don't know maybe he is part of the grease to get me unstuck!

Thank you Jesus, I am no long a captive!