Grace

I am a sinner in need of my Savior.
I found this today, Saturday, in my mailbox, even though it was dated Tuesday ~ strange. But, it was exactly what I needed to read this morning.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007
• Print Article
In the Time of Need
Bishop E. Earl Jenkins
"Grace to help in a time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (NAS)

Grace reminds us of an ambulance coming to treat someone with a medical emergency. The paramedics offer assistance to the victim on the spot. They dispense immediate grace to the most serious symptoms. Then they slide them into the ambulance, which is equipped with more grace - more medical facilities - to deal with the problem. And as the paramedics are administering more grace to the patient, the ambulance races to the hospital where even more grace awaits. And once the patient is admitted, the hospital keeps dispensing grace to meet the need until the problem has been addressed and the patient can go home again. As the beloved hymn goes: "'Twas Grace that brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me home."
One day Jesus heard our emergency call: "I am a sinner and I need a Savior." He came to earth, found us dying in sin and reached down to save us. And as our High Priest, He also transported us from where we were, to a place that has all the grace we will ever need as long as we live, until we are finally and fully restored at the resurrection and go home with Him. So, how can we have a Savior and High Priest like this and not draw near to Him in prayer? "But I'm tired" you say. That's ok, just draw near. "But you don't understand. I'm hurting and I feel like quitting."
Others may not understand, but Jesus does. Just draw near to Him. He will meet you where you are, then take you to where He is - before the throne that dispenses grace!


Beautiful grace! We even named our dog Grace. But, grace is not too apparent here. No, what is more active is "self preservation."

I cleaned out my rolltop desk last night, and organized my "stuff". It was interesting to say the least. I found a prayer that I used to say to my kids every day before I dropped them off at the sitters or at school, which I had tucked in an old bible cover pocket ~ here it is, I don't know where I found it, but I love it!

Each time you walk out the door,
I pray that a band of ministering angels
will hover around you and protect you
and shield you from harm.
I pray that God will go with you wherever you go,
and you will come back to me safe and sound.
I am thankful for you every moment of my life,
and my prayer is to be with you forever.

These thoughts may sound like something I've said before,
but I don't care if I repeat myself.
I just wanted to tell you one more time,
one more way, how very much I love you.
And if my love is any protection,
you will always be safe, my prayer will be answered,
and no harm will ever dare to come near you.
~ Donna Fargo

Well, theologically, its a little off, but from a mother's heart, it is on target. I know that my "love" is powerless, but I know that the cry of my heart to the Lord, which is where the power comes from, was to keep my kids protected, and tell them how much I am in awe of the depth of joy brought to my life just because they are in it. And my Love, Jesus, has so many times, (that I am aware of) blessed me with the answer of this prayer. One huge one was the house explosion. I am completely confident that the prayers of my heart for years, were answered. They may have been seriously injured, but by miracle after miracle, procedure after procedure, they are both completely restored and well compensated :) Praise You Lord!

I also found in my desk, so many letters from my husband. Not love letters, but letters that point out my sin and how badly I am failing as a wife, and how badly I treat him, or how badly everyone treats him, suicide threats, divorce threats, so many empty words, empty promises, unfortunately no grace, no truth of who I am in Christ, or who he is in Christ. I guess since I have been called stupid and the root of the problem, and a F888888 B9999 so many times, I just turned off. I guess after so long of being accused of being a certain way, I have eventually become that way.

That is where I draw the line in the sand. That is not what The Lord calls me or how He wants me to behave ~ and I, all by myself, will have to stand before my Judge, and give an account for each and every word, thought and deed I have performed. And, I haven't done so well lately. :( 1 Peter 1:17 And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each ones work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear. (This is not a gospel of works, but this is to Believers covered by the Blood of Jesus as the Atoning Sacrifice, because if you "know it and don't do it, to you it is sin" and sin that needs repented of) And John the Baptist preached "Repent for the Kingdom of God is at Hand!"
He sure didn't preach "Waller in your sin, because god doesn't care what you do, just do it as you please"

So, I guess on the way to the Judge, I will agree with the "accuser", confess my injustice, sin, omission, all of it, and beg for grace and mercy. I am so clinging to 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I guess the first one, is I did not want my husband to drive my car this morning, because he "grinds things into the ground, including people", and doesn't take care of anything. He thinks he is mechanic, yet every mechanical item we have in the garage is "broken down". And we are supposed to get this snow today, but my four wheel drive is out and I need a new back tire, but he has his mothers Roadmaster and it needs new tires. So, he wanted to "work" on my car, (hear me SCREAM AHHH) and I said I would rather have a mechanic do it, thank you. (over the past six months we have spent 2,000 at mechanics working on his mothers car, but, my car is not on the list for him to 'pay to work on', and I'm the one hauling kids all over the place) He thinks he is professional at everything, and gets offended when someone else doesn't go along with it. "So I asked him to please drive his own car." And he growled back, "I AM driving my own car". Good. We are in such a "needful" place. and things just fall off into never never land, never to be taken care of ~ I hate that.

I had a visual of all of my "precious" items, very delicate, extremely breakable, on a conveyor belt, on the way to "being taken care of", but instead of "being taken care of", they just fall on the the floor shattering. That is how my husband takes care of our family, kids and me, including himself, he hates himself and doesn't take care of himself, and so I struggle with taking care of myself, because you know, "As goes the head, so does the tail". But, yet is so focused upon himself, and the pitiful life he has, he constantly struggles with considering suicide. I don't struggle with that, but I do struggle with wanting to get the heck out of dodge and away from him. Especially when I see myself, repeating his goofiness. I Hate it. It's evil.

Lord, Please keep my from falling into more bad behaviors, but please place me upon Your Rock and clean me up, so I am pleasing to You again. Obviously, here is part of the cycle, let me cycle up and out because of PREVAILING BELIEF! Into victory.

Man's ways = Potent
God's ways = Impotent

Priceless

oh, last week at my son's wrestling match he took 2nd Place in his weight class!! And the kids who beat him for 1st was 19 wins and 1 loss, last year! He was their teams, best wrestler! I am so proud of him!!!

I got to hang out with A and SIL Kath yesterday, we got to go to Cracker Barrel, and hung out and talked and blessed A because she is such a witness to the amazing restoration that the LORD CAN DO!!! And I get to have a bridal shower for her in February!!! I am super excited for her. Jonny boy is a sweet potatoe! Then we went to the mall and the kids played in the play area, and Ki actually went to talk to santa and sat on his lap and talked to him! It of course was precious!

Sometimes I am amazed at how I can "find" myself in situations with some of the cold heartest people around.

I always knew that he was a little off, but as I sit and contemplate the coldness, selfishness, appalling behavior, It takes my breath away and breaks my heart for "A".

Her conception was cold, drunken, and soon to be revealed, her mother had two other girls by the husband she was cheating on, he was a druggie and drunk, abusive. Her mother found herself out on her own again, and looking for the only way of surviving she knew how, another man. So, when "A" was a baby, @ six months old, a "new man" came into her life. Her mom and he were married, and he became her "Daddy", she had no idea otherwise, or that there even could be anyone else as her father ~ No one. He was it. She was the light of his life. He went through all the legalities and had adopted her so she WAS HIS. They then had a new baby a few years later, a boy! She got to be a "big sister", but she was kind and loving to him, her two sisters were mean and rotten. Then when she was around nine years old, trouble started to happen, "Mom and Dad" separated, they (her mom, 2 sisters, herself and her little brother) moved in with Grandma (her mom's mom), Mom spent much of her time out at bars drunk doing the "men" thing. And then one fateful night, An Aunt, herself, her 2 sisters, and her little brother, were walking from the "park" to "town" it was a busy stretch of road with a sharp curve, as they were walking along the curve in the road, a car passed, and "hit her little brother", he had been too far into the road, he went flying in to the corn field. Maybe the Aunt was drunk or drugged out . They tried every thing to keep him alive, it didn't work. He went to be with Jesus. Life changed traumatically, for the second time. Next, she was sitting in a car driving down the road, and her mother tells her that her "Dad" is NOT her dad, but her "real" dad is coming in from California to meet her, and she should be excited! The test results came back positive, she was his, He is NOW 'DADDY" and the other man, is NOT. This new dad was not the kindest person, he yells a lot, has a terrible temper, and talks badly about her family. He is NOT a safe person. He says he is a Christian and makes her go to Church, and Makes her love God, but, she is still in shock. Next thing, her mother is in the hospital psych ward, and her sisters are with their dad, and she has to live everyday with "this new dad" who is mean. He tries to know what to do, but he doesn't have a clue.

I come on the scene when she is 14, five years after this. I love her immediately, I sense there is something not safe with him, I place myself in a position to be a source of safety for her, and marry him. I don't love him the way someone should to marry someone, I am overly compelled to "suffer" to protect her. I witnessed his rage and temper, and she being so frail and little, she had no one to protect her from him. He criticized so much of what she did, and she still came up for air. She overcame, by the blood of the lamb, and even though time after time the enemy tried to take her out, steal her heart, hurt her, break her heart, she lost her hair, she was so thin, people treated her like a freak, she kept overcoming, and drawing closer to HIM (Jesus) ~ my heart broke, we became kindred spirits, almost immediately. She became my daughter, very soon, my "bonus" daughter. She didn't grow under my heart, but IN it. Purely a blessing from the Lord. I know my calling in life is to be an advocate for the "less thans", against the "bullies" I despise bullies.

She is 21 now and engaged to be married to a wonderful young man (I hope) He loves Jesus, and lives it outloud. Doesn't preach, "do as I say, not as I do", like some people. A wonderful thing has happened recently in her life, her "adopted" dad the one first in her life, has come back into her life. And is so excited to "be" in her life. He has arranged to help her with her wedding. Which is a HUGE blessing. Because, her "biological" father, can not. He has a job, it's been steady for four months, but it's not a big wage maker. Actually, here it is December 13, and we have not been financially able to purchase ONE Christmas present for any of our four children. That is depressing.

I am so glad I have Jesus in the middle of this mess. He is my sanity :)
k

Wrestling Season Starts today!

Well my little boy begins his 8th grade wrestling season, this is his 4th year, and he loves it. It helps keep him active and healthy during the winter months when there is no football!! because he loves football! We read a devo out of Daily Bread and it was great. It was about "Selling Out" and who or what do we sell out to. Jesus or the World. I was just as ministered to it as he read it. The kid has always loved the Lord, but as kids go through the teen years, for some reason, things from childhood just leave, is what I'm observing, and that is not cool, so just more proof to Keep on teaching and guiding, and holding on to the promise that "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it". I am claiming that promise for all my kids. I know I messed up a lot in their "training" so I am also praying that the Lord steps in and raises them up the way He want them raised :)

I pray for all the boys (and girls if any) today and ask that The Lord be gracious and keep them safe, while they are good sportsmen. I pray especially for bubby, that some may trust in chariots or horses, but that He trust in the name of the Lord God, the maker of heaven and earth.

Last night, I have to just walk away from my husband at times, because he just pulls information straight out of places unknown. Bubby was talking about "making weight" and was doing some extra exercises after dinner, and I suggested a fiber tablet with some water, to help keep things "moving". It is definately not a stool softener, but its' fiber, and we all know that fiber keeps things at a consistency to "not bind". Well my husband was reading the bottle, and went off and accused me of being so screwed up and not knowing what I was talking about, and for him not to take it "because its for irritable bowel syndrome".

I guess he thinks IBS means **(gross word) diarrhea and that fiber makes it "stick together more".

When in all reality the bottled suggested that it "helps manage IBS" But, if anyone has any knowledge of IBS, knows that it is many different forms . . . Anyway
I walked upstairs and tried to ignore him. I really get so annoyed at him, because he thinks he knows it all, but yet he doesn't practice ANY of what he thinks he knows, and most of the "information" he has is just guessing. And the the enemy of my soul thinks he has intervened to take my focus off of my Savior.

Ok, enough vent of him. I lay all my annoyance and irritation of him at the foot of the cross, and Lord, please cleanse me of the irritability I have of this irritant. I know it may appear to be impossible, but with You, Lord, all things are possible.

Hebrew 12:15-16 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. 16See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. 17Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. He could bring about no change of mind, though he sought the blessing with tears.

Psalm 116:5 Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;
Yes, our God is merciful.
6 The LORD preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
7 Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

Amen!

Focus

Last week our wed biblestudy was in 1 Peter 1:13 "Therefore gird up the loins of your mind,. . . " and then got off on a rabbit trail about "how the enemy has any access to our mind or not and the evil or holy thoughts concept". And people were slinging this out and that out, and whether they are all "Biblical" or not is where I just jumped off and said ~ Well if the enemy has so many ways to attack me, what are they, where are the descriptions of his "ways" in the Bible . . . and by then we were so far off track, we just shut it down and prayed and ended the evening.

So, I was later in the week, fully expecting to hear from the Lord about it and was doing some minor research, when He ever so sweetly spoke into my heart and revealed that I should research Him, keep my focus on Him, and KNOW Him, and then when it is NOT of Him, I would KNOW. Not wasting precious energy researching the enemy, because it takes my focus OFF Him.

1 John 5:20 And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. Little children keep yourself from idols. Amen

Obviously I am quite content with that :)