Freedom is never Free

My birth father went to Vietnam, via the Marines, My Grandfather went to Burma via the Army Cavarly, my first father-in-law went to Germany in the Army, my 85 year old neighbor was in WWII and was shot down and became a POW for a while. My Savior, perfect, sinless, died a shameful death for me, so I could be free. No, freedom is not ever free. Not ever carelessly attained. It is battled for and once it is attained, it is held onto for life. I should be so persevering. Hold on to my freedom with all that is within me.

The past few days I have been brought to a place in my personal life that I need to make some choices to get on with moving toward the Freedom promised me in Christ or stay in a place of bondage. My marriage has been the most recent arena of bondage. I know that doesn't sound right, but I would have to place blame otherwise, and since it is both of our faults and our common denominator is marriage, I'll mark it off there. Well, unfortunately the bad choices made repeatedly much much before we ever married, before I ever married the first time, have made the bondage what it is in our marriage. Because I didn't value myself. I thought I should settle with whoever would just have me, and when they were done with me, to move on, maybe more than one at a time. And boy did I make the rounds. One unhealthy choice after another, after another, after another etc. So, here I am in this place. Helplessly in love with my Savior, but daily challenged by an enemy. One who is ever knocking on my heels about my attitude, the inflection of my voice, my lacking love or kindness or patience and even accusing me of unforgiving or walking in sin. And this is coming from my husband. The one I fully expected to be patient and kind and tender and loving to me, but oh no, I am to be all that to him, and then his life will be better, and when I don't perform, I am walking in sin, I am unforgiving, I am nasty. I treat him so badly. This cycle or pattern or pit is fatal for the likes of me who has thrived on the favor and affections of men. All he has to do is point out my fault, and I am quick to defend or mend it.

Until now.

He who the son sets free is FREE indeed. I remember years ago driving home from Chicago after visiting my then boyfriend, and listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song proclaiming that. On the radio in the middle of Indiana, all I could pick up was Christian stations, (um ~ ironic, I think not :) I began to crave this FREEDOM. But, I didn't deserve it. I knew it. I was a woman that sought lovers, not the lover of my soul. I had not read the story of my sister at the well, yet.

Then I read it, there she was, with Him, Jesus, and He knew! He KNOWS ~ all my (gulp) behaviors. Shame washed over me. I had not read 1 John 1:9 promising me that if I confess my sin He if Faithful and Just to forgive me my sin and Cleanse me from all unrighteousness. But, when I did, I was on my face for it seems hours! sobbing. I still don't know if I got it all out, probably not, I should still be on my face the rest of my days, but I would not get much accomplished then.

So, after I broke off an engagement to what was going to be marriage number 3, and my high school sweetheart rekindled. I had no idea how terribly vulnerable and susceptible I was for the rebound about to happen. I remember driving up to the church I had been going to for about 3 years, where I had heard clearly the Gospel of Jesus, and fell head long in love with Him, and I had made a regular habit of praying while I was driving, so I was praying about the recent breakup. Plus, I had cheated on my engaged, because I put myself in compromising positions with men, and could not seem to find my way out before it went too far. Each time. I kept getting so mad at God, blaming Him for 'not giving me an out', I thought He promised me that. I totally had not considered that due to my compromise, I rendered Him helpless. My will was being carried out. I get it now. Hind sight is 20/20. Discernment was NOT my strong suit.

So, here I am in once again an unhealthy relationship/marriage #3 where so much damage has been done. So many patterns of pit behavior. I don't even know how to behave differently. To let Jesus defend me, to just stay safely with Him, and be still. I just know that at this season, He is breaking my shackles off. To let me walk in freedom. He has taught me that if I fall and then stay in guilt or fear, the enemy keeps me bound there. I will fall, He will restore me. No guilt, No shame, No fear.

Fall of the horse, dust off, get up and get back on, and keep riding. Don't focus on the fall, focus on staying on and moving on.

My mind gets so warped at times about "works based" relationships. And this is what this is. A Dependent/Co-dependent relationship. He is dependent on me filling his needs, and I am the co-dep that fills his needs. And I mess up so regularly, and he tells me to do better, do more, love better, be nicer, and I hear it from the people I go to church with also (different church now). Obviously, I need to do better.

But, what I read in the bible is to be still, stop striving, my works are as filthy rags, and let Him work it out.

Contradiction.

I asked this morning to have all expectations of me dropped. The response was that I was walking in sin.

I know that I am closer to Jesus now, than anyone, and I know what He is doing in my heart, and He is drawing me to freedom. But he (T) thinks I'm walking in sin, because, (what I can gather) is he is threatened I will not be filling his needs. Because he is not getting his needs met in Christ. If he were letting Christ fill him up, he would not make demands from me, I would just be icing on the cake. But I am the foundation filler for him, and no wonder he is coming up so empty. I am a pathetic filler. I disappoint with the best of them. I pray that he begins to feel so parched without Christ's filling that he thirsts for Jesus alone, and takes him aim off of me to be the filler.

Lord knows that I have used plenty of fillers, my current filler is food. It has been men, alcohol, my kids, working, money, shopping, etc. I am so disgusted at my weight. Obviously my filler is food, not Jesus. I want HIM, not food. I want freedom, not bondage. I grieve that my kids have not seen a true Believer's life in our home, just me skipping around. Unstable. I have made some great choices this year. I rededicated my life on January 27 this year, I also began college in March. And am currently on the Deans list! I got an A+ in Medical Terminology! That is a hard class! I got a 100% on my final exam!!!!!!! No one around here seems to excited about it BUT ME!!!! (and my kids) I want to make a better life for us. To get away from the instability. To be able to bless others, take good vacations, buy school clothes, shoes and needs. To have my teeth properly taken care of. To have my children taken care of. Bills paid on time.

And when I say things like I can not do any more at this point, I get criticized for not doing more. I don't get prayer that Jesus would stand me up and cause me to move by the power of the Holy Spirit. When I say I am broken and unable. It is ignored, and more demands are placed upon me.

I need prayer, I need good Godly people, who know His goodness, and will speak it around me. I listen to Worship and Praise music just for that effect. It's pretty one-sided, but helps me to worship and get built up!

I read a sweet woman's posts about her "pitcher". I am going to do that, and today Todd taught on Joshua 4 about spiritual markers. My pitcher will be my Spiritual marker for this season. :) I look forward to that sweet time with Jesus.

Jesus ~ You rock! I need all of You!
k

ps keep Chapman's in prayers, especially Will, Lord God do Your thing in Him, and keep him from the relentless enemy. In Jesus' name. Amen.