Here I am at it again...

Psalm 5
A David Psalm
1-3 Listen, God! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help.
Every morning
you'll hear me at it again.
Every morning
I lay out the pieces of my life
on your altar
and watch for fire to descend.

4-6 You don't socialize with Wicked,
or invite Evil over as your houseguest.
Hot-Air-Boaster collapses in front of you;
you shake your head over Mischief-Maker.
God destroys Lie-Speaker;
Blood-Thirsty and Truth-Bender disgust you.

7-8 And here I am, your invited guest—
it's incredible!
I enter your house; here I am,
prostrate in your inner sanctum,
Waiting for directions
to get me safely through enemy lines.

9-10 Every word they speak is a land mine;
their lungs breathe out poison gas.
Their throats are gaping graves,
their tongues slick as mudslides.
Pile on the guilt, God!
Let their so-called wisdom wreck them.
Kick them out! They've had their chance.

11-12 But you'll welcome us with open arms
when we run for cover to you.
Let the party last all night!
Stand guard over our celebration.
You are famous, God, for welcoming God-seekers,
for decking us out in delight.

Will you promise not to be afraid...

As I read a sister blogger's description of her young daughter's experience of breaking her arm while doing a cartwheel, and the trip to the ER and all...then she later asks her daughter to promise her that she won't be afraid to do cartwheels once it's healed...BAM the Lord in my face, asks me the same about a much different situation...my heart and loving. After loving DW with my all and the debilitating heartbreak, "will I promise not to be afraid to love like that again?" Ouch....tears are a flown. Will I not board myself up against it? IDK...Will I ever even put myself in a place to even be in another relationship to ever get that deeply in love...IDK...Is there too many memories that would just stir up that pot again and be able to move beyond? IDK and I don't know if I want to know...:( I can Love the Lord, but to put my heart in the hands of another man? IDK. It's the best I can do today. I know He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair...and I know He can, but do I want Him to? Do I want to stay in the place of "where ever I am" and just be happy with whatever this is? Or ...you know I just can't even go there yet. I, yes, and still in recovery mode. Some days able to function, some not.

Accomplishments ~ or the lack there of...

Interestingly enough as I sat to type, "Accomplishments" was the first to pop into my mind...then quickly followed by "or the lack there of..."

The place I am today is quite interesting in itself (pardon the pun). As I find myself in a very self examinatory place, following the loss (hesitation using that word) of my job, my house (note I said house, NOT Home), my cats, my man (per se), and that is only what I can see on the surface. The loss of my salvation is even questionable, very frightful to consider, but it has come to mind, by which the ever gentle leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit that is ever present within me, has lead me to rededicate my heart once again...maybe its a "Layer'er" thing?!?! Each new layer unveiled needs to be Christened? Sounds like it fits... and as far as "losing" those things, while yes they meant a great deal to me, and each one I did not just "possess" but each one I considered a gift from the Maker of the Light, and Giver of Gifts and I also hope that I nurtured, loved and cared for each one as I was intended, especially the "cats and man" part, since they are living creatures. The grief has been so, sooooooo heavy at times, that even looking up was exhausting. I am still in recovery mode and have gained 10 pounds ~ blah. Evidence of emptiness and INappropriate filling. Need I say more...NO.

Accomplishments...Ah, Yes what I have accomplished is of greater value...I am a Grandma to Noah Thomas, THE most handsome young man and when he and his wonderful Mama came to visit (Thank you Most Gracious God) he shared with me most treasured secrets from Heaven...I'm still trying to decifer them, but they are precious non the less! Another accomplishment, twelve years in the making...Katie Marie graduates tomorrow ~ oh how bitter sweet. It seemed so long, but today, it was a short lived time. I am blessed to join in her accomplishment, she blesses me, even though she is 18 and well we all know what goes along with that! But she is a beautiful young woman, who is not afraid to speak her mind, uphold her values and grab life by the horns!

There is much more to add, but I must get going, I have to get my hair trimmed for it has been too long, and even though I have been weighed down very heavily with grief, I do want to atleast look presentable tomorrow!