He finds Beauty in this broken thing :)

June 21, 2008
I want to sit and write for a few mins and put down on paper how I feel and what the amazing Lord of my life has been doing . . .

First my dog, Grace. Last week during a very un"comfortable" time, where I was not feeling especially at ease with Troy or life together with him. she never left my side. She was a pseudo of God's presence, and it really helped me to remember that. He never leaves my side, or my heart, or I never leave His presence. That was awesome.

This song by Point of Grace, Heal the Wound but leave the scar. Freaking awesome. I have not ever really considered TRUTHFULLY being a minister with scars, I just really believe that that was more of a figment of speech than a true state of being. so, I am laying it all out there and considering what wounds I have, if they are healed or need healing and the scars, or really shame, I have tried so hard to cover up to make it appear I am "better". What are my scars??? What areas, has He worked in my life to heal and be strong when I am weak? And He continues to minister there?? And not hiding them, but realizing He wants them out and available to continue to use them.

Cause I'm not. I am not better, I still struggle with heartache from my past. The wonderful Lord has given me these amazing gifts of helping and caring and nurturing, and I have let the enemy of my soul trick my into perverting them and become codependent with them. My True Father tells me that satan, he is the father of all lies and will take what is pure and true and pervert it, what is meant to be straight, he will pervert and twist. My relationship with Troy is the twisted version of the help and caring gift He gave me.

I just heard another song by Point of Grace ~ Broken Thing. He finds beauty in this broken thing! That is the best news I have heard all day!!!! And it's only 8:30 in the morning!!!

I don't think I have ever heard that out of Troy's mouth about himself and how God sees him or toward any of us, about how God sees us, maybe never. I am going to be praying much for him. He is on meds for Bi-Polar, and the doc says that his levels are where they need to be, but he is still acting like a pissed off 10 year old. I think he needs a counselor more than anything. And still at going on 7 years since we have been married. He won't, or even if he "attempts" he falls out.

I am very clearly understanding that I am to keep my mouth shut. All conversations with him turn toward how I am at fault and I am mistreating him. I will own my stuff. I can't stand him and it's terribly hard to be around him, because of his past behavior and it's unchanged. It would be different, it he would be repentant and aware of how damaging his own behavior has been and sick about it and run from it, and if he were trying to seek Jesus and healing, but I know am beginning to understand I have been drawn to "familiar spirits" as Steve puts is, and then it replicates places where I was when I was young. Did I take vows when I was young to uphold when I was in places of authority????? Jesus please reveal, Help me to renounce and slay them by the power and authority of Your Name Jesus.
If he would seek out help and wisdom, but he sits and watches tv and accuses me of all of my faults and does not even acknowledge what Jesus has done in his own life, but demands other believe what he tells them and not challenge him on his knowledge.

Sick.

I went to see Steve yesterday, and the whispers of the Lord are coming up,
"No more circling this mountain, it's time to head north",
"come be free",
"yes, God may hate divorce, but He hates the bondage our souls get into in the dysfunctional relationships"

And I keep falling back in out of fear. I WANT FREE. I WANT FREEDOM IN CHRIST. HE IS DRAWING ME TOWARD FREEDOM AND I WANT TO GO.
I went to Steve, cause I believe that is who has been appointed to help/coach/via Christ guide me to the other side of the Jordan. Cause, something is broken in me that causes me to keep falling back in. And from what it sounds like is my repeated "familiar" choices. Familiar DOES NOT MEAN HEALTHY. Actually, the familiar, even though it may appear to look good at times, IS NOT GOOD. NO GOOD FOUNDATION. Simply because of the fruit it produces. ROTTEN. UNSTABLE. Not from God. So, I am working on killing this dragon. The familiar dragon. It produces fear in me, and what have I thought or said in my heart and vowed to revenge????? Jesus, You know, Please reveal it, so I can renounce it. I know it's in Your Perfect timing. I have an amazing peace at this time. I praise You cause this stupid lamb is freaky deaky and quick to run back to Egypt. But I TRUST YOU JESUS!!!!! And It AMAZES ME YOU FIND BEAUTY IN THIS BROKEN THING!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!! Even as many times as I have FALLEN ON MY FACE AND STEPPED ALL OVER YOU You still chose me. I am no worthy of You, and yet You are a servant to me. That messes me up ~

Lord, I am praying about the Attorneys he gave me to contact. I know that this situation will not resolve, and I need to prepare and protect my kids. I ask for your wisdom on which one or if there is another one, You want me to pair up with to find out my legal rights, my responsibilities, what I need to do to prepare for the big change. One huge fear is dragging Kiley through a nasty divorce and torturing her though the verbal shi* from him. I pray you would shut his spirit of self pity down. But, keep me focused, and not falling into the trap. Keep me focused on Your freedom, not staying in bondage, cause this is a slippery mountain to get off of.

Also, about Joel. Lord, I don't want to go storming back into his life and screw things up for him, but I need to convey a heartfelt apology and state of repentance. He was an amazing guy, he was always there for me, he poured himself out to me. And I crapped on him. It turns my heart upside down when I think about how I carelessly just dropped him like a hot potato, when he had poured so much out and held on for so long, if that's the truth. Never-the less, I was terribly in the wrong, and I was acting out of my pathetic brokenness that I believe I was not worthy of one that could truly love me. Yet, here I am seven years later, and still attached to him. Whether he knows it or not. I believe You have a plan there, and I don't want to get caught up in a mental affair, or am I already? I ask for Your wisdom in this situation, to help me do what I need to do.

Today, I need to type my paper. And fill in the Quiz review. I have just pooky bear and we need some one-on-one today. It's been super crazy with everyone here, so some down times is lovely!

Jesus, I love You and am so Blessed that You chose me!

I pray for my kids that they would seek YOU.
I pray for my family that they would seek YOU
I pray for Jill. She is running, and we especially her kids are getting very concerned about what it's going to take to get her to see . . . they are scared she will get killed in an accident by her drinking and driving. I pray Jesus, she would get thrown in jail for drinking and driving, NOT by an accident. I pray that she would proclaim You as her savior, and YOU would break the legs of the wandering lamb as to carry her around Your neck so she gets to know your smell and voice and character. Please put an end to her "partying". I know You broke my legs.
I Pray for Brit watching her mother walk this way is making her a better woman, but You know there is ultimately a better way to teach these lessons. and watching her father just be an immature brat, is enough to make me want to puke.
I pray for Shane watching all of this, and getting mad. and not know ing what to do with it all
I pray for Audrey Blundell. Jesus, comfort, heal and bless her ~
I pray for Melanie and her melanoma. Jesus forgive me for the twisted thoughts I think. I don't want my sister to suffer or be scared or slip down the mountain of fear. I pray for complete healing and bless her. Help her to stop gossiping. It makes people feel unsafe around her.
I pray for Troy. He is in a far land, even though he thinks he is not. His perception of You is off and twisted, his perception of himself is twisted. I pray you would meet up with him, and do a HOLY MIRACLE. Please forgive me of the twisted thoughts I think about him. Yes, he has severely damaged me, and all of it belongs on the cross. I am to keep my eye on YOU JESUS. But, I am unsure where my "safe place" is with him so I just shut down. I need your wisdom here please.

I pray for myself, to be the Believer in You, daughter (of You), woman, mother, and wife (even if it's dead) You have called me to be. I know I am called to "be real" and I know that makes people uncomfortable, because they hide in their secret places. But, when I am to be real, Please let them see YOU. I pray for healing in my body, my mind, and my heart. I pray that my will would continue to be changed to You will. I pray that I would surrender to You, and even if that strikes fear in my worldly heart, You are Good, better than I am to myself. You know best for me, my pride needs to be gone. You created the universe and all in it, why would I think I know me better than I know myself. I barely know me. You see ALL of me, and I hand over the keys to me and my heart, and I know that You will not leave me, but You will carry/guide me to the better place for me to be. And I pray that my twisted thinking that it's uncomfortable, will be replaced with I LOVE IT AND I'M STAYING. Any new robe needs to be worn before it's comfy. Your load is easy and light. I am choosing You. Help me to choose You everyday. I ask for Your true and awesome tending and guiding and wisdom, that supersedes any goofy thought I came up with. You Rock, and are MY Rock!
Psalm 25
Psalm 71 20:21
You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,
Shall revive me again,
And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
You shall increase my greatness,
And comfort me on every side.


Praise HIM :)