Can I get real
Am I the only one who is struggleing with bs from the enemy. Today, I am pretty sick and tired of the crap in my life.
First of all I call myself a "Christian" . . . really, now, what exactly does this mean?
That I am
better than anyone else, or
that now I am to behave perfectly, and
now since I "tithe" so faithfully (not) I am to have money just rolling in from unknown places, coming from my enemies and
to be blessed at everything I touch.
That, there is now, NO residue of my sin from "before Christ".
That the sin of gluttony that has replace the sin of drinking or smoking is better.
That I have an never ending well of faith and strength that just bubbles up and
I never get frustrated or mad or even hate in my heart, or
think I would like to have a nice person who doesn't wring every ounce of service out of me, but I should do it joyfully.
Shame on me for ever complaining.
For ever wanting anything, because now I am supposed to "be content in all things"
Apparently I am doing somethings very wrong, because I don't fit into any of these catagories.
I am a complete loser, one minute I am in such awe of the majesty of the Lord, and He is as close as the very air I breath, next, God. . . where are You? We are financially in a pit, we argue about some of the stupidest things, and are on the verge of a divorce, and I harbor so much bitterness toward my husband and my ex and some of the nastiest people,walking the earth, that every morning I have to "drag my trash out" just to get my head on straight. I don't freaking get it. I've been on my face, I know I'm saved. I am in His Word daily and seeking HIM daily and beg daily for Him to fill me with His love and truth and strength and power and He does, yet, I live in such a swampy pit with "another" that it's almost a joke. Because He sure doesn't walk the talk, and then pulls me in with him, and sometimes I just jump, because I know I'm just not "enough" to go beyond it, because the oppression is so looming and controlling. Makes me kind of wonder if I really know Jesus at all. If I do, then why is so hard for me to not focus on all the crap. Why do I glance at Him, and stare at the manure?
Friday, September 28, 2007
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